Here we are again.

Just about the time I think we are done with the arduous process of internally debating the rights, wrongs, pros and cons, what if's and what if not's of adopting again, we start up again. This time I am completely blaming our friends (S and P). They are returning to Russia to adopt #2.

So Sweet Dear Husband looks at me and says "you know, we never really said "no" to another child". Oh really? I finally get son potty trained, sleeping through the night, adjusting to kindy, making and keeping friends, graduated from OT, jamming on his pre-reading skills, on and on, and WHAT? You want me to wash, rinse and repeat????

Am I up for this? First off, my crib is illegal. It has a drop side. I can't haul a kid out of a crib that does not have a drop side. Four kids have used this crib and they are all fine. Ben even learned how to climb out of it without hurting himself. Maybe #2 will go straight to a toddler bed. Oh, hell, who am I kidding? Just push the pack-n-play up to the side of my bed and we'll call it a night.

Baby food? Diapers? Mommy and me music classes? I despise young, perky, thin, patient Moms. I like old bitter crabby Moms like me who understand that their kids are wonderful and marvelous, but not perfect. My kid picks his nose during Children's Moment at church, farts loudly (and frequently) and does not always get along with other kids.

So, how will I manage three trips to Russia? Ben is a co-sleeper. We are hoping that my Mom can stay with us and fill that void. And I'll probably ask our sitter, my in-laws, my sister and our first sitter/nanny t0 come visit. Honestly, it will take a village to get Ben to sleep through the night.

Speaking of Ben, he's been requesting a sibling for two years. We have managed to put him off because we knew that if we were going to go back - it needed to be because we were ready - not just because Ben's friends all were getting younger siblings. Well now that we are talking about it (a bit - don't want to freak him out all at once) he says that he does not want a sibling. I figure he's afraid of losing his spot as #1. It's a natural fear and one that may actually happen at times depending on the age and needs of #2. However, I am loving him being 6 and I feel that he may actually be able to deal with this now.

The detail that has to be worked out: Finances. Adopting is not a frugal experience. Legal fees are high world-wide. The largest expense for Russia is the travel. Three (maybe four) trips. Off-season (yeah, that means the dead of winter) an airline ticket runs about $1200. Summer time that price can triple. Hotel rooms in St. Petersburg run $150-200/night during the cold dark winter. Our agency said to expect to spend around $25K on travel.

It was financially so much easier the first time. We both had full-time careers with good incomes and adoption benefits through our jobs. We also both had access to funds that could cover the expenses. Now on one income with no work benefit for adoptions - ouch.

And, of course, we need to replace one of our furnaces. And my car won't fit two car seats.

Enough whining, Ann. Buck up. We have not sent in the application yet. We will get our ducks in a row first. I guess then we'll start thumb-wrestling over a boy or a girl. Because, that's right! Dear Sweet Husband wants a daughter. What will I do when I am 60 and have a 15 year old girl? I like boy stuff, adventure movies, Wii games, dinosaurs, baseball and getting by on a modicum of fashion sense. Glitter and princesses and shoes and hair-do's? Oh boy...

With my dear friend L as my guide and mentor, I can do this. I will learn about all things pink.

The Connected Child

I am a bit premature in posting this blog but I have a moment and a thought and need to take advantage of the intersecting of the two.

I am almost finished with The Connected Child by Dr. Karyn Purvis et al. It's an interesting, thought-provoking and illuminating read. It works well as a companion piece to Patty Cogen's book, How to Parent your Internationally Adopted Child. Connected is a lot less science and medicine than HTPYIAC, but the premise is very similar.

There are stressors and residues of stress events that mold your child and create a very definite coping pattern. Having a sense of "felt safety" will allow your child to let go of the hypervigilant, hypercontrolling behavior that creates most of the current family conflicts.

The above is my take on the book - not a quote from the authors.

The best part, in my opinion and practice, is the "how to handle" parts of this book. This book provides verbal and non-verbal cues to help in diffusing the stress-bomb that can be my child. I was afraid, during the reading of this book, that the authors might just give these strategies and leave it at that. Come on. We've all had moments with our kids when nothing works. nothing. not one damn thing. Thankfully, this book even touched on those times.

Dr. Purvis highlights that the basic needs - being hungry or tired or over-whatevered, can lead to behavioral storms. At this point, the storm is not as important as dealing with the need. These children have to know their needs are met. Period.

So, does it work? While I was reading the book I launched an experiment with Ben. The tactics worked well with him. I was exhausted while doing it, though. It really requires you to keep your good humor, patience, and script-for-dealing-with-challenging-behavior all up front all the time. I have no patience and some days no good humor.

I am going to continue to implement these strategies. We made it through Thanksgiving with very few difficult moments.

Now, I need to get dear husband to read this book. Okay, that won't happen. I need to write him some cliffs notes...

When I am finished with the book I will write a longer and more detailed review.

I have to admit that I am feeling vindicated by this book. My instincts and previous reading and input from other APs has led me to a non-traditional parenting approach. I have been the target of much parenting advice from well-meaning family and friends. I feel that I can now point at these books and say - hi there. I am not crazy, or lazy, or over-indulgent, or making things up, or reading too much into this "adopted" thing, or over-reacting or under-reacting or anything else. What I see and experience with Ben is real and is his way of dealing with the world. My mission as his Mom is to help him every day in how he copes with what's on his plate.

So there.

Self-Criticism and Connecting

Well, the specific virus or whatever that attacked me four weeks ago seems to have morphed into a long and drawn out scratchy throat, sinus thing with a cough. Grrr. It's hard feeling sort of lousy. You're well enough to work, to run errands, to take care of a demanding child, but you're not well enough to really enjoy any of it.

Some updates. I have been forwarded some information about an author and I want to know if anyone has heard of her. Dr. Karyn Purvis of TCU. She has written a book about connecting with children from "hard places" and some of it seems very applicable to my controlling, hypervigilant, sometimes still insecurely attached sweet son. Dr. Purvis presents seminars along with a couple who have 11 kids (mix of adopted and bio). I will be ordering her book from Amazon this week (rats it's not on Kindle yet) and will let you know what I think. I am far enough along in this life of mine that I am not expecting any sort of step by step guide, but a new perspective might be nice.

Ben is still making Kindy look good. He's not perfect, but wow I am impressed with both his willingness to work (especially with homework) and his acclimation to a 7 hour school day. I completely credit his teacher (a Mom of an active 11 year old son). I am slightly fearful that maybe she's just not telling me everything. Goodness, I spend a lot of time waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I read a blog this morning and believe I should follow her advice. I try really hard to not criticize how others parent their kids. I have learned beyond all doubt that every child and every situation is unique. I don't want to hear others telling me how to parent- especially when I did not ask. In fact, it's a given that I will cut them off, change the subject, roll my eyes (internally) or completely tune out to what they're saying. So, two criticisms of my own parenting. Hmmm....hard to pick just two. These are the big ones.

1. Yes, I have a co-sleeping child. No, I am not up to it at this point to fight this battle. I'll let you know when I am. Right now I am enjoying the best sleep I have had in years because my child does not wake me up four times a night calling for me. He reaches out his hands and puts one on my husband and one on me. He sleeps well, wakes up happy and so do I. Oh, and part B of this self-critical examination is that I am completely defensive about this with others - so no flaming.

2. I should care more about "taking care" of my husband. This translates into cooking for him. I'd rather take a beating than try and come up with a meal plan for a week. If, heaven forbid, I leave it till 5:00 - then it's gonna be a pizza night. For home-cooked meals I have to think and plan and buy and ugh. Why can't breakfast be the "family meal" of the day? I am good in the morning. By dinnertime, I just want a bowl of cereal or some toast and some peace and quiet.

So these are my issues. We are quickly heading into the holiday season so I am sure I will have plenty of family fodder for you.

Out sick

Hi. I have been sick for the past week. I am still battling this out. Without gory details, just know that it may have been viral or bacterial, you can run a fever of 102 while on day 4 of antibiotics, and daytime television will make you want to go back to work. Talk to you soon. And, no, I will post a picture of my new hairdo while looking like raccoon barf (happily stolen from L).

Opinions

I doubt that anyone who reads my blog finds it surprising to know that I am very opinionated. In fact, as I have advanced through my adult years, I have embraced and rejoiced in my inner-opinionatedness. As a child/teenager, I felt like my opinions were solely shaped by others - I was told what to believe, how to feel, what to think. This was probably not a literal force-feed, but more of a perception of how I learned and processed information in school, church and family.

So, now well into my middle years (yep, that was a birthday gong you heard last week), I know that I have opinions and that I don't have them just to be controversial or belligerent or difficult. I really believe what I am saying. But, I also know that those who ask my opinion probably don't really want to hear mine.

I wish I was a little more sensitive to the toes I step on. I am afraid I might be channeling the worst traits of both grandmothers - the inability to keep my mouth shut and know when NOT to say something.

I offer this post as a sort of pre-holiday encouragement to myself. I am about to find myself knee-deep in family, which typically means I have to work extra hard to keep my best side showing. I can do it, I can do it, I can do it.

Oh, Ben is still rocking Kindy. Another two-week report came home and he aced it - all Satisfactory marks. So proud of him.

Yes, L, I will post a picture. But now it's about time to get a trim and color again. You may have to wait a week.

Teacher Conference

This morning, at 7:00 am, was my first Parent/Teacher Conference. If it is indicative of the next 50 or so of these I will attend before high school graduation, then Ben and I might actually make it to his adulthood relatively unscathed.

I like his teacher. She is prompt, organized, runs a structured classroom and knows that boys are active - really active. Ben completely aced the math section of his first assessment and did just fine on recognizing upper and lower case letters (18 of 26). He did not get any sight words - highest goal was for 10. So, that's our area of work. Not a new issue - a bit of emotional residue left on that from last year. Since he won't (absolutely won't) wear his glasses, this is likely to continue to be an uphill battle.

Socially, Ben is good at playing with others and also entertains himself. He talks too much and does not always listen to instructions, but Ms. Fab Teacher is working on that with him. She saw no reason for us to make a big deal out of this at home. I suggested giving him lots of tasks to help out with at school. He likes to help and it keeps him engaged in a productive activity. It also works as a salve for his post-institutional craving for individual recognition within a group setting. Of course, since he now is the proud owner of a whoopee cushion, he may just monopolize all class conversation today with the recounting of fart noises. Boys.

My part-time job is interesting. The actual work itself is not difficult (short of relearning Excel as a program), but the political structure, power wranglings and "there's always something to complain about" attitude is a bit shocking. So, I watch how Ms. Boss handles it and I learn.

Hair is still good. Hubby does not like it, but it will grow longer and maybe he'll be okay with it then. I am not posting a pic. All girl friends have raved over the cut and color, so it must not be too awful. With hubby, I feel like Heather Graham's character in Anger Management - hubby has to "stifle his vomit" just to look at me. Ben likes it better straight (or smooth as he says). Maybe when it gets cooler and less humid I can try that.

Gonna go hang with Mom today. Have a great week.

Moving on

I just published my rough post from September 9th. I was really struggling and trying to put into words what was happening with Ben.

Ten days later, it's as if a storm had rolled through and stayed for two months but has now blown over. First Ben is completely ROCKING kindergarten. Fabulous reports from school, "great day" stickers, checks a book out from the library every day, and can't wait to get up and get ready for school. His progress report from his teacher declared that Ben listens and follows directions, can control his behavior, is on target with all skills, is making friends and is respectful and courteous to students and teachers.

At home, Ben is a different child from the one I wrote about 10 short days ago. He's polite, he uses manners, gentle hands and asks before taking. He's not bugging Bogie, he's back to some quiet play and he actually took a nap yesterday.

I am quietly berating myself. I knew it could pass - this awful scary adjustment. Ben's brain and heart have decided after four weeks of school that it is safe for him to leave home, be gone for a long time, and come back again. Kurt and I will still be here. He does not have to remind us constantly that he is "here" with his defiance and acting out. He does not have to control every interaction he has with us.

My biggest concern was the "what if it does not pass?". I don't want to only experience the angry, controlling, manipulative and challenging Ben. I need the funny, charming, incredibly bright Ben that laughs at my jokes and critiques my outfits. I also have such low patience - even on mild meds - that we are not compatible at all on some tough days.

So, raise a glass and toast the return of my sweet darling Ben. Make no mistake - he's still 5 and all boy - but the storm has passed and the skies are clearing.

Oh, and I got a haircut (just for you, L). It's a chin-length bob. Today it's curly. I am feeling a bit poodle-headed, but I like it. It's rather chic (even on dorky me) when it's straightened. No pics yet.

September

Well, good news first. Ben is enjoying his not-so-new class now. His former girlfriend (from Pre-K) is in his class and that helped with his comfort level. But Ben's love is fickle. This week he's in love with the girl who sits diagonally across from him. I met her (Miss P) today and she's beautiful and very nice. I also met Ben's new friend-who's-a-boy (J).

I went to have lunch with Ben at school today. The cafeteria food is still awful. I took a protein bar to eat. Ben's lunchtime is 10:40-11:10 - who can eat THAT early? And, he was eating fried popcorn shrimp, mac n cheese, a fruit cup with sour cream (WTH???) on it, and an ice cream. He must have a cast iron stomach. yuck.

We are still having kindy adjustment (okay, I am guessing they're adjustment) issues at home. Ben is highly impulsive and it's compromising the safety of him, our dog and me. I just deleted the whole story about Ben trying to carve a whole watermelon with a carving knife (you can see where this one's headed). I also won't go into the incessant pestering of my little sweet 7 pound dog. Ben actually had the nerve to get upset the other day after Bogie nipped him on the upper lip. I was not my most sympathetic.

Most often are the times I say "no" to Ben.

No, Ben, you may not have more snacks.

No, Ben, you may not leave the house without me.

No, Ben, you may not throw frisbees inside.

No, Ben, you may not eat a grape popsicle on the new furniture.

It's all a challenge to Ben. I can almost hear him say "yeah? just watch me". Thank God that he's not being defiant at school. His teachers describe him as happy and energetic.

We are looking into the next level of help. We have been referred to a clinical psychologist who specializes in child and family issues and is also an IA Mom.

I keep praying for patience. I think I hear God snickering behind her hand. I wonder if I might have been a challenge in a previous life.

Updates.

1. Ben's new food account has been set up and used by him successfully. It was really refreshing to not have a little note in his folder today.

2. Due to the large classes in the Kindergarten this year, a new class has been formed. We, the parents were asked if we would volunteer for our child to be moved. I, of course, said no because Ben has such difficulty during transition times. So, they move him anyway. He starts in Ms. Yute's class tomorrow. Well, CRAP, why did you ask me if you were just going to do it anyway?!?!?

3. Perhaps this class change will be good for him. He received a "great day" smiley face today. If he gets at least three of them this week, then he's picked out a reward for himself.

4. I have amazing friends. Thanks for all of your support.

I need a fresh cup...

...of perspective.

I thought summer was a challenge. I know that Ben was anxious about starting kindy at the new big kid school. I know that there were a million little changes for him to integrate into his 5 year old brain. I know that he'll probably be the 35 year old living in our basement - that's how much he hates change.

Funny story first. Monday was his first day of kindy. I have received three notes (in five days, COME ON) this week that Ben has not had enough money to pay for his lunch. I packed his lunch on Monday - he decided he did not want to eat what I packed. So I sent extra money on Tuesday and he has also had money for lunch each day. Turns out the little fiend, um, I mean sweetheart, has found the breakfast line, too. I broke down and did a prepaid plan with my credit card. Holy cow.

On a serious note. At 11:30 this morning Ben and his teacher, Mrs. M. called me. My first reaction was, of course, "how much blood has he lost?". But, no, no such luck as a flesh wound. Nope. This was a behavior-related phone call. Please hear me muttering, cursing and praying under my breath. Luckily, he did not bite, hurt or injure any teacher or child. However, he refuses (WTH refuses?!?!?) to do his work (which is COLORING SHEETS for goodness sake) and tells the teacher "it doesn't matter" if he listens to them or not and "it doesn't matter" if he does his work.

I have vacillated between nausea and rage since this phone call. Mrs. M assured me that she wanted to "nip this in the bud" before it became a real problem. She asked if he was having issues at home. I told him that he's never had a problem with his teachers - he loves them and respects them. I told her that he would be a new kid with a new attittude on Monday.

He is being defiant, controlling, bargaining, lying (primarily by omission) and aggressive at home. But, this may pass in the next couple of weeks. It has before. The holidays, for instance, are always a difficult time for Ben, but by January, he's usually pulled out of it. He is almost incapable of self-regulating right now.

I keep reading about what stress and anxiety do to a post-insti. kid. Fine. I get what the issues are - what I don't have are any solutions. I am trying to give him down time -- keep his world small right now. I am trying to get him to bed earlier. He's still really tired.

I can't have him being defiant and disrespectful to his teachers. I need a drink or four.

Uh oh.

My Mom was visiting last weekend. We decided to run a few errands Saturday afternoon and took Ben with us. I was hoping that he'd fall asleep in the car seat while we drove around. Yeh. No such luck. Was he tired? Oh Yeah. Was he irritable? You betcha.

One stop we needed to make was at a lingerie store. It's owned by and part of a larger ladies clothing store. So Mom went in the lingerie store to search for a lace camisole. Ben and I went to the clothing store to scope out possible birthday gifts for Mom.

Once in the store, Ben was drawn to the jewelry. Of course, it's at his eye level and it's sparkly. So as I tried to give the clothing even a modicum of attention Ben covered his body with pricey costume jewelry. He told me what would look good on me, my Mom, how much he loved chunky bracelet cuffs and long charm necklaces. Wow, I am thinking. I have a real Clinton on my hands. He already advises me about makeup and hair. What's next?

After a few more reminders to Ben that we would not be purchasing jewelry, I offered that we should go next door and find MiMi.

Ben headed immediately to the rack of daytime clothes in the store and crawled beneath it. "Whatever," I sighed. At least I knew where we was for the moment. I arrogantly thought I would be able to look around the store. Stop laughing.

A few moments later two women stroll past me giggling. I glance over to where they had been and see Ben standing in front of a full size mannequin. The mannequin was standing on the floor - not on a pedestal.

The headless mannequin was clothed in a very shiny, smooth and silky bra and panties set. My darling son, who only moments before had been channeling his inner diva, was standing directly in front of the mannequin with one hand on each bra cup. Oh yeah. Great. Lovely. Feel up the plastic lady.

As if this wasn't quite enough, as I head over towards him, he begins to shimmy the mannequin's panties down and put his hands on the mannequin's hiney.

So far, the store has not sent me a letter asking me to not shop there anymore. Pretty amazing.

He's 5. What will I get at 15? Uh oh.

Signs

I love you my friends. You pull me back from the edge and remind me that this boat we're sailing is part of a fleet. Thanks.

I have cancelled our Vision Therapy for now. It's too much for Ben. If we need to pursue it later, we will. Thanks Lynn for calm words from a Kindy teacher.

Leigh, you are right. Ben's transitioning already. He brought his new "big school" backpack and lunch bag to camp this week. He is alternately hungry as a horse or not eating much at all. His legs hurt. He's not sleeping peacefully. His shoes are too tight. He's so tired he can barely get through the social demands of being friendly at camp. It's only noon and he's already been in the school office with me (filling in part-time) having the mother of all meltdowns - just broken hearted boo-hoos - because a little girl in camp hurt his feelings. From a child who NEVER, EVER cries at school over stuff like that. Hmmm...I am thinking that a long drive this afternoon might coax my little guy into a nap.

Bethee, I think a Clin. Psych. might be a great way for us to go. However, the one near me that specializes in adoption and IA does not participate in insurance plans. I do not want to pursue yet more appointments for Ben (especially those not covered by insurance) right now. I also feel that the oppositional defiance issues are not school, church or social issues. They are family issues. They appear when Ben is nervous, upset or exhausted. Shame I could not see reality more clearly weeks ago, huh?

So, the next two weeks will have mini-camps for Ben. Three mornings instead of five. We will have OT on one non-camp day, but earlier in the day so he's not so tired. And, we will hang out at home and let him decompress.

My Mom is coming over for the weekend. This will be a great break for Ben. He is so happy just hanging out and talking with her and listening to her read to him. He's very comfortable with her. She also reminds that, no matter how verbal or opinionated or grown up he sounds, he's still five. Five year olds need a break.

Sometimes I just can't see the signs.

Do you hear that noise?

Yep, it's me beating my head against a wall.

Let me back up and give a little background.

I attempt to parent my child in the privacy of my home. Which means that I try to not discuss Ben's behavior with others within earshot of Ben. I try to not discuss Ben's behaviors with others at all.

And the answer is "yes" I am a defensive, paranoid, impatient parent of a child who's needs are outside of the traditional. I smile politely while people drone on about their opinions of my child. Whatever. I am arrogant enough to think that I know my child what's best for him.

However...

The last few weeks of living with Ben have really been trying. Like demon possession or Jekyll/Hyde or alien infestation kind of trying.

This morning I told Ben that we would go to camp and then to his Vision Therapy (VT) appointment. He told me that he was not going to go to VT. Over the next hour or so, he reiterated this viewpoint with actions and words. Really. I could give example after example but it comes down to willful disobedience because he did not want to go to VT.

When camp was over? He decided to hide behind a tree and sit on the ground. Are you picturing me pulling out my hair? I try to remain calm because I cannot allow this to escalate into a public spectacle. And, yes, it does cross my mind that I appear to be "the Mom who can't control her kid". Yeah. It's not a new feeling for me.

I finally coerce Ben into the car. I used a snack bribe - that tells you how desperate I was. We went to VT and I was able to get Ben inside the building. Then he COMPLETELY LOCKS UP as I try to usher him in the door of the doctor's office. He became a cat being wrestled into a carrier for a grooming appointment.

Holy holy crap.

Was I bad in a previous life?

I had already offered the carrot (a milkshake) and provided him a snack in the car. He usually would have been okay - not happy and a little reluctant - but not defiant.

But NOT THIS TIME. No Way. He was NOT GOING IN.

I did the only thing I could think of. I called hubby.

I know. Bad form. But it's 95 degrees outside, I am paying for this appointment whether Ben clears the door or not (and that sucks), and I have STILL not figured out what all this defiance and oppositional behavior is supposed to be telling me.

Anyway, hubby was in the car and had a moment to talk to Ben. He also offered the carrot and was emotionally supportive of what VT was going to accomplish with Ben. You know, the whole coach speech - you can do it, you can do it.

While Ben talked to hubby, I was able to steer him into this minuscule office and back to the Vision Therapist. He spent the next 40 or so minutes doing AS LITTLE as humanly possible. He ignored, he distracted himself with other gadgets, he laid down on the floor, he pretended to be asleep/be thirsty/have to go to the bathroom. Meanwhile I sat in the small waiting area and attempted to play Scrabble on my Kindle. Amazing how many curse words Scrabble won't let you use. All I can hear is the Vision Therapist saying "Ben, don't...", "Ben, come here", "Ben, listen to me". On and On.

Inside, I was ready to cry or scream or both. On the outside, though, I appeared pretty calm. No, I don't have any illusions that this therapy might be enjoyable for Ben. It's making his brain work and forcing his eyes to get stronger and work together. I also don't feel like we have a choice. Ben is having vision issues and, to this point, can't read. He is also becoming resistant to attempting to read. It is becoming an emotional issue. shit.

So, the Vision Therapist comes out and sits down next to me. She is older - maybe 60. She taught Kindy for a dozen years and has worked as a Vision Therapist for a number of years. Background for you.

She begins to tell me all about Ben. How we really need to get a counselor involved and learn how to parent Ben so that he is not so strong-willed. That he needs to learn that he's not in charge. That he can't control everything.

I could feel my brain cells becoming squishy and gelatinous during her discourse. I tried to be polite, but I could feel myself internally refusing to hold eye contact with her.

Because, ya know what? I already know this about Ben. This is not even page-37-under-the-fold kind of news.

Yet, while I HATE having to listen to a story on how I should parent my child, I can't help but think that the last few weeks are causing me to wonder where my sweet kid went. Maybe I do need to get counseling. Man, that sucks. I hate counseling. Change and try new things and implement new and successful strategies. Ugh. I am only being a bit facetious.

I am fortunate that Ben has had a fabulous summer at camps. No acting up or acting out with teachers or other students. It's me he's pushing.

Hubby thinks it might be the Vision Therapist. I will grant you that "warm" is not the first word you would use to describe her. She is encouraging and enthusiastic about Ben and his progress, though.

Ben also had major meltdown last week when we went to OT - which is crazy because he loves his OT. Loves her. Last week he refused to get out of my car because he did not want to go in and do OT. He said he was tired. Debbie, our amazing OT, came out to the car and talked him inside.

My Mom offered that maybe Ben's had enough therapy sessions for a summer and let him have some free time. I actually maybe agree with her. However, we still have this reading issue looming over us and kindergarten starts on August 15th. Was that too Tiger-ish a comment?

I wonder if Ben is beginning to "feel different" than his friends because of his therapy appointments. We don't discuss them in public so this would be an internalized issue for Ben - feeling different not being made to feel different. KWIM?

I know that camp tires him out. But it is a lot less vigorous than school was mentally and the same amount of hours. If he's too tired to hold it together after camp then how will I ever get him to an appointment after a whole 7:20-2:20 school day?

Any thoughts my wise and wonderful friends? Anyone still reading?

Stuff going round and round in my brain

I am thrilled that it's now Tuesday and the long weekend is over. Ben is at the pool with his sitter and I am alone for an hour. I am supposed to be cleaning, organizing, paying bills, doing laundry. Something. But I'd rather blog and watch HGTV or catch up on an old episode of Glee.

Ben was rather nightmarish this weekend. Multiple revving up into major meltdowns, some physical aggression, a complete disregard of verbal instructions. A pretty constant case of Mr. CrabbyPants-You Can't Make Me- Watch What I Can Do. Ugh.

Of course, we made it through without injury to person and only a few hurt feelings. We did have to alter our plans slightly due to complete overstimulation issues but we were able to spend time with our neighbors and our friends. I don't want it to sound like he was crying and throwing things the whole time.

He did try to cut a whole watermelon with a meat cleaver. I walked into the kitchen and (stupidly) yelled NO NO NO NO NO. I am so lucky he did not drop the watermelon and the knife right onto his foot.

He insists on doing for himself. He uses a step stool or a kitchen chair to find snacks or get juice or water. He also now feels completely comfortable leaving the house without letting me know. Thankfully he only does this when Kurt is outside in the yard working. But still.

The control freak in me wants to know WHY? WHY? WHY is he so resistant to being helped? Is it typical five year old behavior to try to take complete care of themselves?

Why is he unable to deal with a long holiday weekend? The fireworks? Too much time at the pool? Too much time with the neighbors kids? Too little down time?

I guess at the end of the day it's probably a combination of all of these things. Just about the time I feel that I have mastered what level of activity he needs everyday; then it seems to change.

And yes, as another blogger posted, I do feel that I have worried and stressed too many sweet moments and days away.

How do I find the balance between advocating (staying aware of needs and issues) and just letting him be?

Just a thought. Always on my toes here. It's time to do reading on 5 year old stuff, I guess.

Oh, and my dear sweet friends are heading back to Russia to adopt another child. When they told us, I thought I would feel a twinge (or more) of longing to go and adopt again. I did not. While Ben asks frequently for a sibling I have not come to the conclusion that it's the right choice for us. Perhaps.

The Inexplicable

Things Ben does that I just don't get.

He yells for me from the bathroom and says he needs help. I walk in and his leg, with a foot still in the sock, mind you, is all the way in the toilet.

He picks a particularly annoying booger out of his nose and feels that he must wipe it on a leg - mine or Kurt's. Never his own leg.

He climbs up in my lap and snuggles close. Then he lets go of a huge, long, loud and smelly fart. Right on my lap.

I kill a small spider using Ben's discarded shoe. Ben must pick up shoe and examine smooshed spider parts.

I buy him chicken nuggets from a fast food restaurant (yeah, I was bribing, um, I mean rewarding him). He asks for packets of dip for the nuggets. He then eats the dip out of the packets with his fingers.

All of this happened in the last 24 hours. Asking Ben "why?" has yielded no helpful responses. My Mom has already warned me that this will continue and grow in gross-intensity over the next ten years.

Of course, this is the same child who asked me if I knew what my destiny was. I said, yes, my destiny is to make sure you reach adulthood, safe and healthy. He was not impressed. He told Kurt the other day that he wants to be a spy and work for "the Company". Huh?

My Mom laughs and tells me that God gave us the perfect child for us. He keeps us on our toes that's for sure. Wonder what tomorrow will bring?

Comfort food

These are my thoughts...

Food and control are two of Ben's core issues. Whether they be genetic or developmental does not matter right now. He's got them - in spades. I am trying to discern if the food issue is a thinly-veiled control issue. Here's what I know.

Ben is a very sensory-sensitive kid. He craves sensory input from his hands, feet and mouth. I cannot tell you (well, I could, but you'd be embarrassed at my useless attempts at being in charge) how many times I have to remind him that we don't put "non-food" objects in his mouth. Choking hazards galore. Loose change, plastic toy pieces, silly bands, matchbox cars. This tendency abates almost completely during lower stress times. End of the school year had it ratcheting up again.

I try to alleviate the oral craving by providing him with snacks - crunchy, chewy, flavorful snacks. Of course, then there's the Mom-part of me that wants them to be semi-nutritious and the borderline-special-needs-aware Mom part of me that is watching sugar, dyes and hfcs. Organic is great, but come on - Ben dropped his sugar free lollipop in a parking lot and picked it up and put it back in his mouth. Yeah. Pesticides are nothing compared to oil, anti-freeze, dirt and goodness knows what else.

So, I keep mini-bagels, string cheese, pretzels, organic low sugar gummy treats, and apples and bananas on hand almost all the time. He eats often. Usually four meals plus a snack or two. I guess this is ok though I resist researching caloric intake for five year olds. My Mommy self-esteem would be injured.

He's also the biggest kid among his friends and classmates. He outweighs them by 15-20 pounds. His foot is a full three sizes larger than his buddies and he is about 2 inches taller than they are. He's also a stocky, broad-shouldered, strong Bam-Bam of a kid.

I keep wondering how I feed the child (nutrition and metabolism) and feed the emotionally controlling/sensory child. Am I dooming my son to overweight status in order to keep his oral fixation under control? Am I inadvertently contributing to his recent sneaking of goodies by not answering his call for yet another snack?

And, yes, he does seem to want more food when he's bored, stressed, or lacking structured activity. I have also been guilty of using food as a bribe. I suck. I have to drag him (sometimes a bit literally) to his appointments (listed in above post) and usually have to promise him a treat in order to get at least a bit of cooperation. Please listen now while I self-flagellate.

I want to break some bad trends before we go any further. What is he trying to say to me by his actions that I am not hearing? I know that his vision therapy appointments are stressful for his brain (massive input and reaction) and stressful for me (paying out of pocket). But I don't want him to end up thinking as food as a reward or payment.

I have (a bit gloatingly) promised myself that food would not be a control issue in our home. I have too many friends whose mealtimes are war zones. Ben is pretty easy at mealtimes and by that I mean that he eats a well-rounded diet of foods we choose together. He's not opposed to too many foods.

Well, he's now demanding some dry cereal (Special K) in a bowl. It's on the top shelf so I will need to go get it before he climbs the pantry again.

Developmental Optometry

If, at some point, in the last five years, I had actually heard this term, I had not ever really considered what it might mean. But, lately, it's become a big part of my life - and Ben's.

Ben just finished his Pre-K year. He is liked by his friends and teachers, enjoys math and science and pretend. He's musical and silly. A pretty typical 5 year old.

But Ben was struggling with reading. Oh, he knew his sight words. He memorized them each week. So long as he was not the first child called upon during class to read from the board, he was golden. Got them all correct.

On good days, he could read the words, even if mixed up, on the board. But, in his book and on a worksheet - not so good.

I don't believe that children don't want to learn. I sincerely believe that they all have the desire to know more. They are naturally curious. So, I was not buying into any notion of "Ben's not trying hard enough". Ben was fortunate to have two outstanding teachers who completely understood that more was going on than just a resistance and frustration with reading.

So, his fabulous, wonderful and amazing OT began assessing Ben for a visual perception difficulty. This was not just identifying letters or words. This was visual memory, perception, spatial relationships. All kinds of things I take for granted. After weeks of assessment, Ben's OT realized that he was struggling with horizontal tracking, convergence and divergence. She referred us to a development optometrist who also confirmed that Ben's left eye is far weaker than his right eye.

Dr. G has now put Ben in glasses. The glasses do help, but, of course, Ben is not interested in wearing glasses on a daily basis during the summer. He's firmly in "play mode". He starts enrichment camps tomorrow and I will insist on the glasses being worn. Hopefully, we will be able to get him in the habit before he starts K in August. I *sigh* here because most of you know that Ben only does what Ben wants to when he wants to. I should have named him Benjamin I-must-control-all-things-within-my-universe Suhs. He would have at least been self-explanatory.

Ben is also going to Vision Therapy twice a week. He's not wild about going but once he's there he likes it just fine. I think it just disrupts his day and makes his brain tired. It makes my brain tired, too. And my wallet (ugh).

Oh, what causes this? Who knows. Dr. G and I discussed the post-institutional aspect of Ben's case. I asked him if he thought Ben's issue was due to lack of visual stimulation in the baby house. Dr. G has worked with children for 30 years and absolutely feels that physical or emotional trauma affects brain development and can stunt the growth in particular areas. So, the huge changes in Ben's life during the first year could be as responsible for this condition as a genetic predisposition. Another reason in my mind for a birth family search.

Whew. I feel better now that I have posted and can push the "you better start blogging again" monkey, uh, I mean, L, off my back. Luv ya L.

I am about halfway through No Riding in the House without a Helmet by Melissa Fay Greene. I am very interested in seeing how it all develops. Really fascinated by how Jesse (adopted from Bulgaria) blends into the family.

Major Meltdown

Kurt's travel schedule with his job has been busy lately. Since the first of the year, he has traveled about 2 weeks each month. Last week he was in Chicago for three days, home about 1:00 am on Friday morning, and left today after lunch for New York City. He will be home Thursday night late.

I see Ben reacting to his absence. Usually it starts two days into the travel time. Ben gets whiny, more demanding, and cries easily. This usually progresses into a meltdown (30 minutes or more) of real crying "I want Daddy". Luckily, his teachers, et al, don't see any change in his behavior. I think that during the day he is used to Dad not being around. It's at home when the absence is really noticeable.

Kurt usually leaves early in the morning to take the early flight. Ben is asleep when he leaves. Today was a mid-afternoon flight so Kurt packed as soon as he finished lunch.

Well. Boy howdy! Ben laid on the bed next to the suitcase and cried. Then he hung onto Kurt's leg while Kurt was trying to walk down the stairs. Then Ben put on his shoes and ran out to get in the car with Kurt. Tears, snot, and flip flops went running down the driveway. It was awful.

Then I had to hold him still long enough for Kurt to pull away. That made him mad at me. Yay. I see how this week is going. So, I did what any rational yet desperate Mom would do. I offered him M&M's. Not just regular ones, but the dark chocolate ones in Easter pastel colors. Yeah, I was saving them for someones Easter Basket, but you know about desperate times.

So there we sat. In the big overstuffed chair cuddling and drowning our sorrows in dark chocolate.

Ben told me that he's afraid that someone will steal Kurt and take him away. Or that something scary will happen to him and he'll be "lost". Lost is a big theme in Ben's fears.

I know that separation anxiety occurs in all kids of all ages. I also know that my sweet one has his heart broken because he is not comfortable believing that Dad will come home every time he leaves.

I wonder if there will ever be a time of relaxing his constant vigilance. Will he ever take us for granted? He truly believes that it will happen - one of us won't be there any more for him. He is terrified of being alone.

It's almost as if Ben feels that it's his job to make sure we stay around. He pushes me (and all my emotional buttons) to test my willingness to stay. He does not become an obedient child in hopes that we stay; he becomes worse behaved to see if we will leave him. Interesting difference. Does fear of abandonment ever ease?

Mom and my sister, A, should be here soon. They are staying for a few days and will help distract Ben. Bless them.

Time marches on

The last few weeks have been quite eventful. The job I "had conversations about" is not going to be vacant for another year. This is good news considering that my boss' position would be empty. So, in the meantime, I am going to be doing some as-needed-on-demand Admin work and enjoying the end of Ben's Pre-K career.

I realized tonight how much Ben has grown up in the past year. He had Karate class at 4:00, where, of course, he was able to almost qualify for a stripe on his belt by performing a combination, by himself with no coaching, that I had no idea he even knew. I am wondering if he's memorized times tables in his spare time yet...

After Karate, we decided to eat dinner out. Kurt is flying back tonight but not until much later so we can eat pretty much whatever we please - that means fast food. My rule was no pizza and no hotdog. Ben wanted a hamburger and shake, so we went to Steak and Shake. He wanted to eat inside and not do the drive through. So my guy and I had a dinner date over burgers and fries this evening. He was amazing. We talked about Karate, school, Dad coming home. Just stuff. He was coloring on the kids' menu, wearing the paper hat, and just being. No fits and spurts of energy or running in the restaurant. He used his polite manners (gemmanly, as he says) to ask for a second straw and extra napkins.

As a Mom I was thrilled with his public behavior. But, as HIS Mom, I was thrilled with having a fun hour to sit and talk together and just hang out. No meltdowns (had that already this morning; both of us), no backtalk or legal opening arguments on why he should be allowed to do X. He's a great kid and usually I am too busy Mothering him to see it.

I wonder about the future and Ben's ability to transition as a teenager and adult. Kurt is travelling about 2 weeks a month right now. It's okay for a few days and then gets really hard on Ben. He cries or gets mad at me. He has told me before that his fear is that Dad won't come back. So, I understand what's up. He also gets upset after he talks to Kurt on the phone - usually first thing in the morning. Today he was hitting me and I told him that he would not go to his class party today if he continued. Then the tears started. We just sat together and hugged for a few minutes.

He handles the rest of his day well (behavior at school, activities after school) but at night he really wants to sit and hang out with Kurt.

Another transition. Ben's OT is changing practices. Of course, busybody me gives her my home number and begs her to let us follow her. I think we can, but it will be a drive. I don't care - this OT and Ben are great together. I was NOT looking forward to breaking that news to him. He'll be ok with an office change.

Does this get easier? I think Ben tries to protect himself from being hurt, but he loves his teachers, his OT, his DAD. Yes, he loves me too, but I am here all the time. The outward signs of his grief manifest in such odd, small ways that usually only I witness. I wonder if he's ever going to be able to break up with a girlfriend or is he going to be the guy who still thinks "they're together".

Does this form of watchdog parenting of a stressed-brain child continue or abate as time goes along? Do the manifestations look more like typical teenager behaviors? Time to pull out the PC manual of child-rearing. I have seen listings for a couple of other books. I think I will check them out as well.

The developmental optometrist asked me if I had a background in nursing or medicine. I laughed and said, no, just a Mom who has done a lot of reading on how to do our best for this darling child. Fingers crossed and lots of prayers said - it will be just enough.

Scattered thoughts

Update on the job opportunity. I had the initial interview in February and one follow up interview in March (with same person, would be my boss). Yesterday I find out would-be-boss is leaving company. Uh oh. Don't know the story, but probably not a happy-ending, everyone-stays-friends kind of parting.

So my zeal is tempered now by the unknown of the boss situation. The WBB (would be boss) asked me to consider this position; I did not apply for it. Signs that might be omens...

Ben, Kurt and I are visiting a vision specialist next week. We are working on determining what/if there's a cause for Ben's difficulty in retention of letters and reading. The developmental optometrist has a niece living with his family (while she attends college here) and she was adopted at 12 years old from Russia. This doctor is very interested in what type of visual delay he may be working to overcome as a result of his year in the orphanage. It's a 2-3 hour consultation and assessment. I'll let you know what I find out...

Ben has become Grouchy McGrumpy this week. I am not sure if it's the weather (cold and raining every day) or the pollen (too high to count) or what. Could be all of it. Or he could just be grinding my nerves everyday because he knows he can. If it's my idea, then he does not like it. Two days ago Ben changed his mind three times about breakfast - but only after I had presented him with his request. Grrrrr...

I am trying to stay one step ahead of him now. I made his breakfast today before he could tell me what he wanted (sun chips or pretzels with a fruit by the foot would be his choice). I laid down the Mom law "eat it or go hungry". It was a cinnamon/raisin bagel with cream cheese, so it's not like I feed my child liver and beets for breakfast.

I made his lunch before he could issue any royal edicts about it, too. I decided to forgo the battle over a shower before school. The repeated demands by Mr. Bossy, even when accompanied by a "please" just cause me to grind my teeth and roll my eyes. I am thinking that some time apart could be good for both of us. Spring Break is next week so we'll see...

Tales from GA 400

My friend, L, has tales from her train rides into NYC. Amazing and astounding and absolutely stupefying things happen to and around her during her commute. I offer my version of this as just the stupid things people do on my nearest highway - GA 400.

As a note, this road is also considered the GA 400 Raceway and the Alpharetta Autobahn. There are four lanes on each side. I consider the right lane to be the slow, or "goin' 55" lane. The next lane over is "65 and steady" lane. For those who don't want to ruffle any feathers. The next lane to the left is the "75 or so" lane. This is usually where I can be found. The far left lane is for people who "go as fast as you dare". I mean this literally. Over the last 20 years, I have seen just about every type of vehicle pass by me in a blur to the left. Super speeders are a real problem here. Anyway, I digress.

The nearest Nissan dealership is several exits south on GA 400 from my house. This is where I take my old, reliable Altima for service. Time for an oil change and tire rotation.

As I am pulling up to the light that leads onto the entrance ramp, I am cut off by (of all things) a Honda Fit. This is the mini of Hondas. Incredibly small. Well, I snicker to myself that Mr. I-can-drive-faster-than-you-for-the-last-hundred-feet-to-a- stoplight catches the red. Jacka&&, I say to myself.

The light changes and we pull onto the ramp to 400. Mr. I-can-... floors it but then is delayed by a slower moving right lane. I end up pulling along side of him. Him. Truly. He is wearing large, plastic, white-framed sunglasses. Like Jackie O sunglasses. I laughed so hard thinking to myself - you can drive as fast as you want but it will not make up for your sad fashion sense.

About one exit further down, I am comfortably driving in the 75 or so lane. I see a white Pacifica in the fast left lane. It has a handicapped plate on it. It's also weaving like a drunkard. I become a bit alarmed - the last thing I need is to be involved in someone else's accident. The Pacifica slows to 70 or so, still weaving, and I move alongside to pass it. I glance over and the driver is pouring coffee from a large thermos into the lid/cup. WHAT?!?!? Now I really don't want to be anywhere near this car - an accident with third degree burns just waiting to happen.

I just want to get my oil changed. I guess maybe it's a full moon or something. It's absolutely ludicrous what you see on the highway. I am lucky, though. I did not get punched once.

Where ya been? Whacha doing?

In order to further this recent opportunity at part-time work, I have been asked to provide a resume.

Ok.

A resume.

Hmmmm.....the last time I applied for a job and had to present a resume was 1998. Seriously, I worked for the same manager (at several banks) from 1998 - 2007. And now I have been working for "the man" (the 5 year old) for four years.

I start to think back about the positions I have held since moving to Atlanta in 1991. That leads me to thinking about my managers/bosses.

I worked for the Wicked Witch of the West not once, but twice. I stupidly thought it would be better the second time.

I worked for two different Glenda's. Truly wonderful managers and outstanding women. Sadly, both times the companies were acquired and our divisions were sold off so I spent about 1 year with each of them.

I worked for the Tin Man and the Scarecrow. However, these men weren't searching for what they lacked. They were just fine without a heart or brains.

I worked for the big scary Wizard of Oz - all self-important and blustery. Sadly, there was no real wizard in him.

I am thinking that this would not be the way to go on a formal resume. Oh well, I will keep procrastinating on it and maybe I will have a brainstorm. Stop laughing.

Other thought.

You know I have been wrestling with a birth family search. I am trying to scour some resources - names, reputations, etc. I have been referred by just about everyone to the yahoo group for birth family searches. Fine. I completed the application and sent it to the moderators. I have heard nothing back. It's been over a month. What gives?

I think they don't like me. When asked on the questionnaire if I was employed by an adoption agency, I said "no" but also included that I am on the steering committee for a small local agency. I further clarified by stating that bparent searches were not discussed at this agency and that I was asking for membership of this yahoo group solely on the basis of my desire as a parent.

I probably said too much.

Now they hate me and think I am a lurker or troll who's going to bash or flame. Really, I'm not. I don't go for the flaming - everyone gets an opinion and I don't ever feel compelled to agree with anyone. In fact sometimes I am downright disagreeable, but I know how to not respond to a post. duh.

Anyway, I am bummed because I really need lots of input now on the logistics of a search in Russia.

Maybe I will send the moderators one more e-mail....

Moving along

The last week has become a productive one for me. I am not talking about regular productive like groceries and laundry, which by the way, never seem to be done completely. I mean in my "decisions" that I discussed two weeks ago.

I stepped off the cliff and did not go splat on the ground. Whew. So far, so good.

Yeah, I know. I watch myself struggle with these decisions and chuckle at my own folly. I need to get over it and stop taking myself so seriously. The whole point of life is growth and change. If I don't grow, and, (gasp) perhaps even evolve, then I am not living. So these changes are an exciting opportunity for growth and that's my "motivational speaker" mantra for today.

So do you wanna know my decisions? Is anyone even still reading? Frankly, even I am a bit bored by me today. I appear on paper to be neurotic - wonder how I appear in person?

Decision 1. I was asked and accepted the position of Steering Committee Chairperson for Cradle of Love Adoptions. COL was our local homestudy agency when we adopted Ben. Judy, our social worker, also worked with me as a family therapist after Ben came home. I have been a committee member for two years (maybe three years) and I really enjoy it. So this was a good and easy choice.

Decision 2. I have been approached with a part-time job opportunity. Having been out of corporate life for four years I feel pretty rusty, but the job would work with Ben's school hours and be a new challenge. I have not received the offer yet but I am thinking that I will accept if they offer it to me.

Decision 3. It's all L's fault. I really want to do a birth family search for Ben's birthparents. I am undecided on whether or not I want any contact with them. As I dug through the adoption information we have currently, his birthfamily info is a few handwritten lines on one piece of note paper. I have no details. No town where they live - just a family name.

Also, the baby house where Ben lived for a year has been closed down due to fire code violations and the proposed cost of bringing it up to date. So the link between my agency and the baby house and the birthparents (via the Russian SWer) is gone.

What if the bmom has had another child and placed him for adoption? What if he's in a baby house right now? If we knew, we would adopt a sibling tomorrow. I know that sounds crazy considering we've pretty much taken another adoption off the table. But it's how we feel.

What if a birthsibling has already been adopted by a family here, or in the UK, or Spain, or Germany? I would love to have the opportunity for Ben to meet and know any sibling.

I also know Ben well enough to know that he will ask about birthfamily. I don't want much more time to pass before I have facts in front of me. No, he does not need to know it all now. But I want to know. I want to know for Ben because he's insatiably curious about everything else in his life and somehow I don't think this will escape his radar for much longer. When he asks, I want to have the truth to tell him. If he wants to search/try to contact/have contact with his bfamily when he's older I want him to be able to start with more than four lines on a piece of paper with 15 year old information.

And now a completely unrelated question for you. I am in need of great recommendations for basic child-rearing books (not adoption or special needs related). I have Love and Logic though I did not finish it. Any other books you find to be especially helpful for Ben's age group?

Pictures

Just a quick post today. Pictures finally from last Fall. T-ball, Disney trip and visit to the pumpkin patch.

Two steps forward...

Lately, this has been my mantra. And it's me, this time, not Ben. I actually realized yesterday that Ben has "grown out" of several messy and annoying past times - like peeing on the walls and floor of the bathroom rather than into the toilet. It's been months since I have had the "don't make me buy pull ups for you" discussion. Funny what happens along the way while you're busy living. He's growing up so fast.

Anyway, I digress.

So, I have several decisions ahead of me. One I have already made - it's a two year deal and I am excited and yet nervous about it. I guess butterflies in the stomach are good. It's when you get woodpeckers in there that you worry.

Ahead of me lie decision dominoes in a row. Each decision leads me to the next. It's these times that I wish for a crystal ball - how will this all look in 6 months, 12 months, etc.? And, no, I can't discuss any of them yet. Sorry. I am not trying to tease. I am not considering adopting again, so everyone can relax on that one.

Only one decision lies before me that is truly irreversible in it's impact. So here I need to draw a deep breath, put on my big girl undies and be prepared for the fallout. I am scared, but compelled. My most important first step will be broaching this with Kurt. I wonder if he still checks my blog - I don't think so....

I have to have my reasons, pros, cons the whole deal in place in my head before I make this a family issue. Right now it's a lot of deep breathing and clear thinking.

Faith is a huge part of my life and my psyche. I know that things work out the way they are supposed to but the first step is so daunting. And I am so chicken.

A Small Rant

Okay. I made a rather significant decision today. I have removed my blog address from my FB profile. If someone misses it, they can call me or e-mail me and I'll pass along the address. It has really bothered me that a couple of IRL friends commented that "all I blog about is adoption stuff". So, now, if they want to read my "adoption stuff", they can ask for the website.

I need to blog about "adoption stuff" because child-rearing makes my head spin. So I have to ponder it, review it, re-review it from every possible angle and then think some more. Blogging seems to help.

I am also looking for a bit more freedom in my writing. While I don't care who knows some of the details of my life - I am not going to volunteer to be flamed by having the details available via FB. Parts of my life are apparently controversial - GASP. Get over it. I don't recall asking any one's opinion.

Oh - did you know I was in a snarky mood today?

I hate having to defend and explain, ad nauseum, my decision in child-rearing. Yes, I screw it up (royally, too) but I try really hard to learn lessons. Fingernails on a chalkboard would be preferable to hearing one more opinion, from the well-meaning few, about what I am not doing correct, what Ben's doing "wrong" (yeah, don't get me started here) and what K and I "should be" doing. Okay, you try is what I want to say. Let's see how you do...

There are times that I am envious of other Moms who's kids don't take their frustrations out on them. As L, my wise friend points out, our kids want us to share their emotions. Wow - very powerful. I learn so much from my cyber-friends. I am so lucky and blessed to have open, non-judgmental ladies in my life.

Most of the followers of my blog are rowing in the same boat with me. But we are here together. I think a sunny beach sounds like a great destination...

Well, that's embarrassing

I am a blog lurker. I love reading blogs. Most times I do not even have a chance to comment on them due to a very insistent five year old. One very dear friend, who lives far away from me, has listed me as a blog she follows. How did I find out? I was reading her blog. Her blog is amazing - insightful, empathic, emotionally sound and so sensitive. I tear up through many of her posts.

I have many months now of "not updating" this site. It's not that I don't have much to say. Those who know me in real life know that I am rarely without words. So, now I am completely embarrassed that my own blog has not been updated in MONTHS and everyone who reads L's blog knows it. Where's that little sheepish emoticon when you need it?

Quick update on my life.

Ben continues to grow at an amazing rate. We are not without issues, however. Thankfully, they continue to be "lower-case-i" issues and not "capital-letter-I" issues. Separation anxiety, control issues and holidays are a nasty mix at our house. November and December may always be a bit hard for us due to the travel, houseguests and general schedule disruption that accompany them. Ben's birthday is also right there in the midst of it all. I am well aware that I will probably continue to bear the brunt of his insecurities. I try to work hard every day to understand the basis of his actions and not just his actions. It's not easy. I am impatient and grow tired of wearing the big red bullseye.

I am also considering a return to part-time work. While I am excited about an opportunity to interact with adults and earn some money I want to make sure that I am available for Ben as he transitions to "big school". Lots to think about.

This week I am thinking about decision-making (thanks to L). How do I make the best decision for me and my family? I try to consider all angles of the "what if" before I make a decision, but what about when the decision could lead to unknown results? The Pandora's box effect of not knowing what may happen two or three steps down the line is a bit paralyzing for me. I am pretty black and white when it comes to decisions. If all of the outcomes are helpful, or at least not too harmful, then the decision is much easier. But what about when there is real emotional risk? I emotionally flop around like a fish on a dry dock. Doing nothing is an answer, too, but is it the right one?

I hope my blog friends are comforted by this evidence of my continued existence. Maybe I'll have another quiet morning soon and can update again.