Into the Unknown

Darling husband and I have made some decisions that feel really big for us.  BIG.  Life-altering, change-the-way-you-date-stuff big. 

First I'll discuss the meeting with Mrs. P, Ben's teacher and K, Ben's tutor.  Our meeting three weeks ago went fine, I guess.  I kept getting the nagging feeling that Mrs. P and K (who is a former teacher) were speaking in code to me and that I needed a translator.  They talked about Ben's issues with "focus".   They talked about his bright mind/verbal skills but that he was "assessing low" in several areas.  It seems that sometime last fall (no specific date was given), Ben was assessed by Mrs. P and ranked below the 25th percentile in most areas (7 of 9 or something like that).  Our meeting was February 25th, which means that MONTHS have passed and this is the first time I am hearing this information.  Mrs. P can e-mail me every time Ben has issues walking calmly in line to the cafeteria but can't let me know about assessment results?  They discussed how far Ben has come in his reading ability and writing. His grades have been fine this year.  Mrs. P does not think that he has a learning disability.  Yay. (I was, and maybe still am, a little concerned about dyslexia-type issues).  She needs me to review spelling and sight words with Ben every day. 

The following day Ben had a rough day at school.  This is not unusual for Tuesdays for some reason.  Mrs. P pulled me aside in the hall after school and said that, as a Mom, she felt compelled to tell me that I would have problems with Ben as he got older if I did not get hold of his issues now.  He was demanding her attention during class by calling her name repeatedly and when he finally received a note home to me, he said it was okay.  She was upset that he "brushed it off" and "did not seem concerned about his punishment".  So I assured her that his consequence would be memorable while thinking to myself that she was overstepping and that she did not, nor would she ever get, what makes Ben tick.  Go ahead and take everything away - he's been there, done that - more than once.  Try again. 

The next day was Ben's usual tutoring day.  It was not a good session.  About once a month he has a "not good" session with K.  He refuses to do the work, can't sit still, is just not into it.  I can't explain it.  I usually do not handle it well and get really frustrated with Ben.  The rant usually starts in the car on the way home with the "she's here to help you and you won't let her" and goes all the way to "your father and I are paying for this".  Oh yeah, my parenting sucks sometimes. 

Anyway, K, sat me down and told me that Ben needed something to help him or he would not be able to be successful in second grade.  The demands are more and no one will be there to baby him or let him be disruptive during class.  Apparently, second graders are required to sit at their desks and work, like little grown ups, all day. 

So I walked around being torn about what to do next and how to handle all of this.  I was crabby and short-tempered.  It hurt my feelings and broke my heart for Ben.  Hubby and I decided that our ped was our next step.  Luckily, Ben had his checkup the next week.  Dr. W, whom we love, and I stepped out and discussed the conversations with Mrs. P and K and she recommended getting a psych/ed eval done.  So we are.  In May.  Our results and recommendations conversation with Dr. F (the clinical psychologist) is Ben's last day of school.  So, no real help for this year but perhaps some guidance and clarity for next year. 

That week, Hubby and I had to sit down and continue our conversation about adopting a second child.  Our file remains registered in Russia but, from my viewpoint, I see virtually zero hope of us being able to adopt a child from there.  So, we have started our paperwork for another country.  Part of the dossier is a special needs checklist with five pages of medical conditions that we say yes, no or maybe to.   It's really hard to do this - we're on our third or fourth version of our answers. 

It is very humbling to check these boxes with a "no" knowing that you are not able to handle certain conditions.  We have researched and talked to IA docs and hope that our "yes" answers are enough to get matched quickly but are not too much to handle in our future.  How do you know?

I continue to swim through the murky waters of my own parenting insecurities.  My Mom suggested last week that I buy the parenting system sold on tv during commercials and infomercials.   This was after a not-happy visit to our house.  Ben was a pill the entire time and completed tuned me out.  I should never have invited her over.  Ben was tired, K was out of town, and a big storm had rolled through that day.  Too much for him turned into too much for all of us. 

Results:  I am flunking the spelling/sight word review thing.  I am not able to accept the challenge of parenting many special needs.  I rolled my eyes at my Mom after her parenting suggestion.  This alone probably sends me to a special part of hell for eternity.  I am wondering which result of this psych/ed eval I prefer.  Yes, he has XXX condition and here's what we do to treat it.  Or No, he has a bad case of strong-willed and good luck with that. 

I'll let you know how it turns out.