The Connected Child

I am a bit premature in posting this blog but I have a moment and a thought and need to take advantage of the intersecting of the two.

I am almost finished with The Connected Child by Dr. Karyn Purvis et al. It's an interesting, thought-provoking and illuminating read. It works well as a companion piece to Patty Cogen's book, How to Parent your Internationally Adopted Child. Connected is a lot less science and medicine than HTPYIAC, but the premise is very similar.

There are stressors and residues of stress events that mold your child and create a very definite coping pattern. Having a sense of "felt safety" will allow your child to let go of the hypervigilant, hypercontrolling behavior that creates most of the current family conflicts.

The above is my take on the book - not a quote from the authors.

The best part, in my opinion and practice, is the "how to handle" parts of this book. This book provides verbal and non-verbal cues to help in diffusing the stress-bomb that can be my child. I was afraid, during the reading of this book, that the authors might just give these strategies and leave it at that. Come on. We've all had moments with our kids when nothing works. nothing. not one damn thing. Thankfully, this book even touched on those times.

Dr. Purvis highlights that the basic needs - being hungry or tired or over-whatevered, can lead to behavioral storms. At this point, the storm is not as important as dealing with the need. These children have to know their needs are met. Period.

So, does it work? While I was reading the book I launched an experiment with Ben. The tactics worked well with him. I was exhausted while doing it, though. It really requires you to keep your good humor, patience, and script-for-dealing-with-challenging-behavior all up front all the time. I have no patience and some days no good humor.

I am going to continue to implement these strategies. We made it through Thanksgiving with very few difficult moments.

Now, I need to get dear husband to read this book. Okay, that won't happen. I need to write him some cliffs notes...

When I am finished with the book I will write a longer and more detailed review.

I have to admit that I am feeling vindicated by this book. My instincts and previous reading and input from other APs has led me to a non-traditional parenting approach. I have been the target of much parenting advice from well-meaning family and friends. I feel that I can now point at these books and say - hi there. I am not crazy, or lazy, or over-indulgent, or making things up, or reading too much into this "adopted" thing, or over-reacting or under-reacting or anything else. What I see and experience with Ben is real and is his way of dealing with the world. My mission as his Mom is to help him every day in how he copes with what's on his plate.

So there.