Uh oh.

My Mom was visiting last weekend. We decided to run a few errands Saturday afternoon and took Ben with us. I was hoping that he'd fall asleep in the car seat while we drove around. Yeh. No such luck. Was he tired? Oh Yeah. Was he irritable? You betcha.

One stop we needed to make was at a lingerie store. It's owned by and part of a larger ladies clothing store. So Mom went in the lingerie store to search for a lace camisole. Ben and I went to the clothing store to scope out possible birthday gifts for Mom.

Once in the store, Ben was drawn to the jewelry. Of course, it's at his eye level and it's sparkly. So as I tried to give the clothing even a modicum of attention Ben covered his body with pricey costume jewelry. He told me what would look good on me, my Mom, how much he loved chunky bracelet cuffs and long charm necklaces. Wow, I am thinking. I have a real Clinton on my hands. He already advises me about makeup and hair. What's next?

After a few more reminders to Ben that we would not be purchasing jewelry, I offered that we should go next door and find MiMi.

Ben headed immediately to the rack of daytime clothes in the store and crawled beneath it. "Whatever," I sighed. At least I knew where we was for the moment. I arrogantly thought I would be able to look around the store. Stop laughing.

A few moments later two women stroll past me giggling. I glance over to where they had been and see Ben standing in front of a full size mannequin. The mannequin was standing on the floor - not on a pedestal.

The headless mannequin was clothed in a very shiny, smooth and silky bra and panties set. My darling son, who only moments before had been channeling his inner diva, was standing directly in front of the mannequin with one hand on each bra cup. Oh yeah. Great. Lovely. Feel up the plastic lady.

As if this wasn't quite enough, as I head over towards him, he begins to shimmy the mannequin's panties down and put his hands on the mannequin's hiney.

So far, the store has not sent me a letter asking me to not shop there anymore. Pretty amazing.

He's 5. What will I get at 15? Uh oh.

Signs

I love you my friends. You pull me back from the edge and remind me that this boat we're sailing is part of a fleet. Thanks.

I have cancelled our Vision Therapy for now. It's too much for Ben. If we need to pursue it later, we will. Thanks Lynn for calm words from a Kindy teacher.

Leigh, you are right. Ben's transitioning already. He brought his new "big school" backpack and lunch bag to camp this week. He is alternately hungry as a horse or not eating much at all. His legs hurt. He's not sleeping peacefully. His shoes are too tight. He's so tired he can barely get through the social demands of being friendly at camp. It's only noon and he's already been in the school office with me (filling in part-time) having the mother of all meltdowns - just broken hearted boo-hoos - because a little girl in camp hurt his feelings. From a child who NEVER, EVER cries at school over stuff like that. Hmmm...I am thinking that a long drive this afternoon might coax my little guy into a nap.

Bethee, I think a Clin. Psych. might be a great way for us to go. However, the one near me that specializes in adoption and IA does not participate in insurance plans. I do not want to pursue yet more appointments for Ben (especially those not covered by insurance) right now. I also feel that the oppositional defiance issues are not school, church or social issues. They are family issues. They appear when Ben is nervous, upset or exhausted. Shame I could not see reality more clearly weeks ago, huh?

So, the next two weeks will have mini-camps for Ben. Three mornings instead of five. We will have OT on one non-camp day, but earlier in the day so he's not so tired. And, we will hang out at home and let him decompress.

My Mom is coming over for the weekend. This will be a great break for Ben. He is so happy just hanging out and talking with her and listening to her read to him. He's very comfortable with her. She also reminds that, no matter how verbal or opinionated or grown up he sounds, he's still five. Five year olds need a break.

Sometimes I just can't see the signs.

Do you hear that noise?

Yep, it's me beating my head against a wall.

Let me back up and give a little background.

I attempt to parent my child in the privacy of my home. Which means that I try to not discuss Ben's behavior with others within earshot of Ben. I try to not discuss Ben's behaviors with others at all.

And the answer is "yes" I am a defensive, paranoid, impatient parent of a child who's needs are outside of the traditional. I smile politely while people drone on about their opinions of my child. Whatever. I am arrogant enough to think that I know my child what's best for him.

However...

The last few weeks of living with Ben have really been trying. Like demon possession or Jekyll/Hyde or alien infestation kind of trying.

This morning I told Ben that we would go to camp and then to his Vision Therapy (VT) appointment. He told me that he was not going to go to VT. Over the next hour or so, he reiterated this viewpoint with actions and words. Really. I could give example after example but it comes down to willful disobedience because he did not want to go to VT.

When camp was over? He decided to hide behind a tree and sit on the ground. Are you picturing me pulling out my hair? I try to remain calm because I cannot allow this to escalate into a public spectacle. And, yes, it does cross my mind that I appear to be "the Mom who can't control her kid". Yeah. It's not a new feeling for me.

I finally coerce Ben into the car. I used a snack bribe - that tells you how desperate I was. We went to VT and I was able to get Ben inside the building. Then he COMPLETELY LOCKS UP as I try to usher him in the door of the doctor's office. He became a cat being wrestled into a carrier for a grooming appointment.

Holy holy crap.

Was I bad in a previous life?

I had already offered the carrot (a milkshake) and provided him a snack in the car. He usually would have been okay - not happy and a little reluctant - but not defiant.

But NOT THIS TIME. No Way. He was NOT GOING IN.

I did the only thing I could think of. I called hubby.

I know. Bad form. But it's 95 degrees outside, I am paying for this appointment whether Ben clears the door or not (and that sucks), and I have STILL not figured out what all this defiance and oppositional behavior is supposed to be telling me.

Anyway, hubby was in the car and had a moment to talk to Ben. He also offered the carrot and was emotionally supportive of what VT was going to accomplish with Ben. You know, the whole coach speech - you can do it, you can do it.

While Ben talked to hubby, I was able to steer him into this minuscule office and back to the Vision Therapist. He spent the next 40 or so minutes doing AS LITTLE as humanly possible. He ignored, he distracted himself with other gadgets, he laid down on the floor, he pretended to be asleep/be thirsty/have to go to the bathroom. Meanwhile I sat in the small waiting area and attempted to play Scrabble on my Kindle. Amazing how many curse words Scrabble won't let you use. All I can hear is the Vision Therapist saying "Ben, don't...", "Ben, come here", "Ben, listen to me". On and On.

Inside, I was ready to cry or scream or both. On the outside, though, I appeared pretty calm. No, I don't have any illusions that this therapy might be enjoyable for Ben. It's making his brain work and forcing his eyes to get stronger and work together. I also don't feel like we have a choice. Ben is having vision issues and, to this point, can't read. He is also becoming resistant to attempting to read. It is becoming an emotional issue. shit.

So, the Vision Therapist comes out and sits down next to me. She is older - maybe 60. She taught Kindy for a dozen years and has worked as a Vision Therapist for a number of years. Background for you.

She begins to tell me all about Ben. How we really need to get a counselor involved and learn how to parent Ben so that he is not so strong-willed. That he needs to learn that he's not in charge. That he can't control everything.

I could feel my brain cells becoming squishy and gelatinous during her discourse. I tried to be polite, but I could feel myself internally refusing to hold eye contact with her.

Because, ya know what? I already know this about Ben. This is not even page-37-under-the-fold kind of news.

Yet, while I HATE having to listen to a story on how I should parent my child, I can't help but think that the last few weeks are causing me to wonder where my sweet kid went. Maybe I do need to get counseling. Man, that sucks. I hate counseling. Change and try new things and implement new and successful strategies. Ugh. I am only being a bit facetious.

I am fortunate that Ben has had a fabulous summer at camps. No acting up or acting out with teachers or other students. It's me he's pushing.

Hubby thinks it might be the Vision Therapist. I will grant you that "warm" is not the first word you would use to describe her. She is encouraging and enthusiastic about Ben and his progress, though.

Ben also had major meltdown last week when we went to OT - which is crazy because he loves his OT. Loves her. Last week he refused to get out of my car because he did not want to go in and do OT. He said he was tired. Debbie, our amazing OT, came out to the car and talked him inside.

My Mom offered that maybe Ben's had enough therapy sessions for a summer and let him have some free time. I actually maybe agree with her. However, we still have this reading issue looming over us and kindergarten starts on August 15th. Was that too Tiger-ish a comment?

I wonder if Ben is beginning to "feel different" than his friends because of his therapy appointments. We don't discuss them in public so this would be an internalized issue for Ben - feeling different not being made to feel different. KWIM?

I know that camp tires him out. But it is a lot less vigorous than school was mentally and the same amount of hours. If he's too tired to hold it together after camp then how will I ever get him to an appointment after a whole 7:20-2:20 school day?

Any thoughts my wise and wonderful friends? Anyone still reading?

Stuff going round and round in my brain

I am thrilled that it's now Tuesday and the long weekend is over. Ben is at the pool with his sitter and I am alone for an hour. I am supposed to be cleaning, organizing, paying bills, doing laundry. Something. But I'd rather blog and watch HGTV or catch up on an old episode of Glee.

Ben was rather nightmarish this weekend. Multiple revving up into major meltdowns, some physical aggression, a complete disregard of verbal instructions. A pretty constant case of Mr. CrabbyPants-You Can't Make Me- Watch What I Can Do. Ugh.

Of course, we made it through without injury to person and only a few hurt feelings. We did have to alter our plans slightly due to complete overstimulation issues but we were able to spend time with our neighbors and our friends. I don't want it to sound like he was crying and throwing things the whole time.

He did try to cut a whole watermelon with a meat cleaver. I walked into the kitchen and (stupidly) yelled NO NO NO NO NO. I am so lucky he did not drop the watermelon and the knife right onto his foot.

He insists on doing for himself. He uses a step stool or a kitchen chair to find snacks or get juice or water. He also now feels completely comfortable leaving the house without letting me know. Thankfully he only does this when Kurt is outside in the yard working. But still.

The control freak in me wants to know WHY? WHY? WHY is he so resistant to being helped? Is it typical five year old behavior to try to take complete care of themselves?

Why is he unable to deal with a long holiday weekend? The fireworks? Too much time at the pool? Too much time with the neighbors kids? Too little down time?

I guess at the end of the day it's probably a combination of all of these things. Just about the time I feel that I have mastered what level of activity he needs everyday; then it seems to change.

And yes, as another blogger posted, I do feel that I have worried and stressed too many sweet moments and days away.

How do I find the balance between advocating (staying aware of needs and issues) and just letting him be?

Just a thought. Always on my toes here. It's time to do reading on 5 year old stuff, I guess.

Oh, and my dear sweet friends are heading back to Russia to adopt another child. When they told us, I thought I would feel a twinge (or more) of longing to go and adopt again. I did not. While Ben asks frequently for a sibling I have not come to the conclusion that it's the right choice for us. Perhaps.