Freaking out...just a little

I started an update to my update a few weeks ago, but never finished it.

The good news:
1.  Our dossier was finished and overnighted out to our agency the night before we went on vacation.  While we were relaxing on the beach our agency consultant declared out package to be "perfect" and sent it to Bulgaria.  It has been translated and hopefully will be registered soon with the Ministry of Justice.  So, we wait now.  Oh, and of course our dossier was perfect.  Our pictures of us are really casual and I look like cat throw-up but who cares? It's not like I will be judged on my bad hair, dumpy posture and lack of makeup.
2.  We have found the right med and dosage for Ben.  He has had two excellent weeks at school.  I am asking the teachers for feedback and so far they have had good reports for me.  He says he feels focused and calm at school. 
3.  The guidance counselor at Ben's school, we'll call her "S", emailed me last weekend to let me know that all pertinent members of the student support team have read his eval report.  The teachers will read it next and then we'll get the 504 accommodations put in place.  It will take approximately 12 weeks to completely assess Ben to determine if he needs an IEP.  So it would not start before January.  Hold this thought for the "not so good news" section.
4.  Ben has two teachers - they are the only team teachers in 2nd grade at our school.  Both teachers have excellent reputations and lots of experience.  Ben's ELA teacher has sons - I think this certainly helps.

The not-so-good news that has me freaking out just a bit:
1.  If Ben's IEP goes into effect in January then we will only have four months to determine it's effectiveness. 
2.  The above matters because Georgia Senate Bill 10 says that if an IEP is deemed ineffective to address the child's disability, then tuition assistance is provided to the family to pay for private special school.  This amount used to be about 6K in assistance.  Starting this school year, it is the "amount that the public school would have received in state funds".  I do not know what this amount currently is, but I am thinking it's less. 
3.  The two above issues only matter if we decide that public school is not able to help his dyslexia enough to bring him to grade level and keep his confidence intact.  There are two schools near us who specialize in teaching Dyslexic students.  They average $20K/year.  Ouch. Freaking out.
4.  I have joined a Bulgaria Adoption Facebook group.  Most of the waiting parents have been matched with children either through rainbowkids or reece'srainbow websites.  Intellectually, I understand that this means they've matched with severe special needs kids.  However, emotionally, I freak out just a bit when I see a picture of a child and his new parents.  The child is 8 years old.  And he weighs 18 pounds.   I read the parents' blog about the orphanage where their child has been since birth.  The story sounds like the infamous Romanian orphanages of the early 90's.  Horrifying.  I have to try to put it aside and focus on knowing what we can handle. 

Focus Ann.  Not freakout.  My new mantra. 

What's up?

I know.  It's been three months since I last posted.  It's been a busy time for us.  Update..

1.  Ben's psych eval diagnosed with him slight to moderate cases of dyslexia and ADHD.  The emotional struggle with the dyslexia in the classroom and stress exacerbates the ADHD.  This is also why we don't see the ADHD so much at home.  The classroom environment is very difficult for Ben - too much stuff, too many kids, noises, distractions, etc.  Thankfully, K, Ben's tutor is certified in the Orton-Gillingham (OG) reading system that is designed to teach dyslexic children how to read.  So our game plan is to meet with the school and get some accommodations to try and assist him with reading skills and the ADHD. 

2.  We are going to try ADHD meds with Ben to see if it helps his ability to focus.  We are not excited about this but feel that it's unfair of us to make him try to overcome the dyslexia issues without some internal ability to find "a calm and focused state".

3. Trying to get the meds is a butt pain.  We had two trips to the cardiologist to make sure Ben did not have a heart issue.  Then our insurance denied covering the med our ped wanted us to try.  Now we have to try two other (read cheaper) meds and see what those side effects are before we can request the "medical necessity" of the desired prescription.   Banging my head over this.  My child is not a lab rat and I am mortified that he has to be treated like one in order for an insurance company to save a few bucks. 

4.  We left the day after school ended (in May) and went to Disney for a week.  It was a blast.  But then, hanging with my boys doing fun stuff is always a blast.  Last year I wrote about the underwear deficiencies I noticed on female tourists.  This year I must comment about the men's fashions.  My hubby and child wore sport shirts and sport shorts and sneakers every day.  Solid colors.  Ben's were neon bright so we could not lose track of him ever.  Not expensive outfits but great for the weather and our activities.  Other men just made me cringe - and I am not a fashionista at all.  A plaid shirt with (different pattern) plaid pants is just ocular-ly offensive.  A ratty tank top and really excessive body hair is never a pretty combination.  One gentleman thought his horizontal striped top was so great that he matched it with the same striped shorts.  He was probably late 30's, early 40's and he looked like he was wearing a Carter's onesie.  

5.  We cancelled our trip to New York and Connecticut.  I am bummed but I know that it was the right decision.  Too much going on and I did not want to be experimenting with medications while out of state.

6.  My Mom's birthday is coming up.  It's a big one (with a 0 at the end).  So I am working on her party.  Trying to get catering squared away (because we are a "food and drink" kind of family).  We can sit in plastic chairs, eating on recyclable plates with plastic forks, but the food better be amazing and there better be wine.  I take after my Mom.

7.  We were fingerprinted right after we returned from Disney for our USCIS approval for country B.  I really, really, really wanted to have our dossier in queue by June but, wow, that did not happen.  Last weekend we received a letter from USCIS and they needed revisions to our homestudy.  crapitall.  So, wonderful social worker made the changes, wonderful agency reviewed it and approved it and I fedex'd it out yesterday.  Really really ready to get this thing done. 

8.  Hmmm...what else?  Oh, Mom sold her house at the lake and is now purchasing a house near us.  She's been renting a house nearby but really needed more space and wanted a basement.  New house is four minutes away and lovely.  Yay Mom! 

9.  MIL has offered to take us on a cruise next year.  Wonderful and incredibly generous offer from her.  Kurt and I feel really bad that we can't just say "YES".  But we should be getting a referral in about 12 months.  Hard to make concrete plans, ya know?  Luckily, we have until April of next year to cancel.  I am hoping that we'll have a better idea of what's up with country B by then.

10.  Oh, and we tried Melatonin with Ben several nights.  Nuthin.  He went to sleep fast but still woke up several times a night.  Is there something we're not doing right?  He was taking 1 mg. 

11.  And yes, Ben's transition to summer has been as painful as usual.  Mr. Bossy Pants will be captain of the college debate team at the rate he's going. 

Into the Unknown

Darling husband and I have made some decisions that feel really big for us.  BIG.  Life-altering, change-the-way-you-date-stuff big. 

First I'll discuss the meeting with Mrs. P, Ben's teacher and K, Ben's tutor.  Our meeting three weeks ago went fine, I guess.  I kept getting the nagging feeling that Mrs. P and K (who is a former teacher) were speaking in code to me and that I needed a translator.  They talked about Ben's issues with "focus".   They talked about his bright mind/verbal skills but that he was "assessing low" in several areas.  It seems that sometime last fall (no specific date was given), Ben was assessed by Mrs. P and ranked below the 25th percentile in most areas (7 of 9 or something like that).  Our meeting was February 25th, which means that MONTHS have passed and this is the first time I am hearing this information.  Mrs. P can e-mail me every time Ben has issues walking calmly in line to the cafeteria but can't let me know about assessment results?  They discussed how far Ben has come in his reading ability and writing. His grades have been fine this year.  Mrs. P does not think that he has a learning disability.  Yay. (I was, and maybe still am, a little concerned about dyslexia-type issues).  She needs me to review spelling and sight words with Ben every day. 

The following day Ben had a rough day at school.  This is not unusual for Tuesdays for some reason.  Mrs. P pulled me aside in the hall after school and said that, as a Mom, she felt compelled to tell me that I would have problems with Ben as he got older if I did not get hold of his issues now.  He was demanding her attention during class by calling her name repeatedly and when he finally received a note home to me, he said it was okay.  She was upset that he "brushed it off" and "did not seem concerned about his punishment".  So I assured her that his consequence would be memorable while thinking to myself that she was overstepping and that she did not, nor would she ever get, what makes Ben tick.  Go ahead and take everything away - he's been there, done that - more than once.  Try again. 

The next day was Ben's usual tutoring day.  It was not a good session.  About once a month he has a "not good" session with K.  He refuses to do the work, can't sit still, is just not into it.  I can't explain it.  I usually do not handle it well and get really frustrated with Ben.  The rant usually starts in the car on the way home with the "she's here to help you and you won't let her" and goes all the way to "your father and I are paying for this".  Oh yeah, my parenting sucks sometimes. 

Anyway, K, sat me down and told me that Ben needed something to help him or he would not be able to be successful in second grade.  The demands are more and no one will be there to baby him or let him be disruptive during class.  Apparently, second graders are required to sit at their desks and work, like little grown ups, all day. 

So I walked around being torn about what to do next and how to handle all of this.  I was crabby and short-tempered.  It hurt my feelings and broke my heart for Ben.  Hubby and I decided that our ped was our next step.  Luckily, Ben had his checkup the next week.  Dr. W, whom we love, and I stepped out and discussed the conversations with Mrs. P and K and she recommended getting a psych/ed eval done.  So we are.  In May.  Our results and recommendations conversation with Dr. F (the clinical psychologist) is Ben's last day of school.  So, no real help for this year but perhaps some guidance and clarity for next year. 

That week, Hubby and I had to sit down and continue our conversation about adopting a second child.  Our file remains registered in Russia but, from my viewpoint, I see virtually zero hope of us being able to adopt a child from there.  So, we have started our paperwork for another country.  Part of the dossier is a special needs checklist with five pages of medical conditions that we say yes, no or maybe to.   It's really hard to do this - we're on our third or fourth version of our answers. 

It is very humbling to check these boxes with a "no" knowing that you are not able to handle certain conditions.  We have researched and talked to IA docs and hope that our "yes" answers are enough to get matched quickly but are not too much to handle in our future.  How do you know?

I continue to swim through the murky waters of my own parenting insecurities.  My Mom suggested last week that I buy the parenting system sold on tv during commercials and infomercials.   This was after a not-happy visit to our house.  Ben was a pill the entire time and completed tuned me out.  I should never have invited her over.  Ben was tired, K was out of town, and a big storm had rolled through that day.  Too much for him turned into too much for all of us. 

Results:  I am flunking the spelling/sight word review thing.  I am not able to accept the challenge of parenting many special needs.  I rolled my eyes at my Mom after her parenting suggestion.  This alone probably sends me to a special part of hell for eternity.  I am wondering which result of this psych/ed eval I prefer.  Yes, he has XXX condition and here's what we do to treat it.  Or No, he has a bad case of strong-willed and good luck with that. 

I'll let you know how it turns out.

School Woes

On Monday, I am meeting with Ben’s teacher, Mrs. P., after school.  K, Ben’s tutor, will also be joining us for this meeting. We are getting together to discuss goals for him to achieve between now and the end of the year. What I left unspoken in my request for the meeting was so that Ben will get promoted to 2nd grade.

 He is reading now and seems to grasp concepts quickly – especially in math and social studies/science. But when he hits a wall in the learning department, he acts up in class. Well, golly, but he gets new information just about every week. And the reading/language arts parts of it are no longer verbal. They are presented in writing. This morphs his confusion into stress – he falls out of his chair, he taps his pencil, he chats up his neighbors – anything to relieve the stress of hitting that wall. And this lowers his confidence and his self-talk becomes defeatist which makes homework nightmarish.

 Last night, after a good day at school, he read over 30 pages of book. Yeah, he struggled with a few of the tougher words, but he read and he understood and he enjoyed. He also happily wrote sentences for his tutor using a new group of pronouns. Now, tonight he may shut down over reviewing spelling words for his test tomorrow and writing two more sentences to complete his homework. I am also finding that he’s paralyzed when he’s being timed or told he has to hurry. Yay. He’s being tested on sight words next week and has to get 70 in a minute. Epic acting out will probably ensue.

But, I am scared to push this with the school. My interactions with administration to this point have led me to the conclusion that ADD/ADHD is something they handle well. IEP, meds, accommodations – bingo you’re great. After all (my personal opinion here), the kids on meds aren’t acting out anymore in class. But, I believe Ben has PTSD – not ADD. I continue to look at both and the triggers and the results and I don’t see ADD. Ped, OT and other trusted teachers have not seen ADD either. But the teacher looks at me like I am without any sense at all when I mention trauma and stress to her. I also am not excited about the school psychologist or curriculum specialist doing the labeling of Ben. It’s too hard to fight the labels the schools give. All the teachers know and treat the child accordingly. Again – my fear. As if the international adopted stigma is just not enough.

Frankly, I am also having to stretch myself in this area. I was an overachiever. I did well in school and, with a couple of exceptions, it came easy to me. Especially up until high school. My learning to read was not something my parents sweated over. And, I was the perfect child at school. Nauseating, really. But there it is. Classic middle child terrified of doing anything wrong that might make anyone mad at me. Straight A’s. Whew. Teachers’ pet. Whew.

I am at a loss as to how much to say – what to say – how hard to push. I will keep his tutor until he’s out of high school if I need to.  Will keep you posted on results of meeting.