Here we are again.

Just about the time I think we are done with the arduous process of internally debating the rights, wrongs, pros and cons, what if's and what if not's of adopting again, we start up again. This time I am completely blaming our friends (S and P). They are returning to Russia to adopt #2.

So Sweet Dear Husband looks at me and says "you know, we never really said "no" to another child". Oh really? I finally get son potty trained, sleeping through the night, adjusting to kindy, making and keeping friends, graduated from OT, jamming on his pre-reading skills, on and on, and WHAT? You want me to wash, rinse and repeat????

Am I up for this? First off, my crib is illegal. It has a drop side. I can't haul a kid out of a crib that does not have a drop side. Four kids have used this crib and they are all fine. Ben even learned how to climb out of it without hurting himself. Maybe #2 will go straight to a toddler bed. Oh, hell, who am I kidding? Just push the pack-n-play up to the side of my bed and we'll call it a night.

Baby food? Diapers? Mommy and me music classes? I despise young, perky, thin, patient Moms. I like old bitter crabby Moms like me who understand that their kids are wonderful and marvelous, but not perfect. My kid picks his nose during Children's Moment at church, farts loudly (and frequently) and does not always get along with other kids.

So, how will I manage three trips to Russia? Ben is a co-sleeper. We are hoping that my Mom can stay with us and fill that void. And I'll probably ask our sitter, my in-laws, my sister and our first sitter/nanny t0 come visit. Honestly, it will take a village to get Ben to sleep through the night.

Speaking of Ben, he's been requesting a sibling for two years. We have managed to put him off because we knew that if we were going to go back - it needed to be because we were ready - not just because Ben's friends all were getting younger siblings. Well now that we are talking about it (a bit - don't want to freak him out all at once) he says that he does not want a sibling. I figure he's afraid of losing his spot as #1. It's a natural fear and one that may actually happen at times depending on the age and needs of #2. However, I am loving him being 6 and I feel that he may actually be able to deal with this now.

The detail that has to be worked out: Finances. Adopting is not a frugal experience. Legal fees are high world-wide. The largest expense for Russia is the travel. Three (maybe four) trips. Off-season (yeah, that means the dead of winter) an airline ticket runs about $1200. Summer time that price can triple. Hotel rooms in St. Petersburg run $150-200/night during the cold dark winter. Our agency said to expect to spend around $25K on travel.

It was financially so much easier the first time. We both had full-time careers with good incomes and adoption benefits through our jobs. We also both had access to funds that could cover the expenses. Now on one income with no work benefit for adoptions - ouch.

And, of course, we need to replace one of our furnaces. And my car won't fit two car seats.

Enough whining, Ann. Buck up. We have not sent in the application yet. We will get our ducks in a row first. I guess then we'll start thumb-wrestling over a boy or a girl. Because, that's right! Dear Sweet Husband wants a daughter. What will I do when I am 60 and have a 15 year old girl? I like boy stuff, adventure movies, Wii games, dinosaurs, baseball and getting by on a modicum of fashion sense. Glitter and princesses and shoes and hair-do's? Oh boy...

With my dear friend L as my guide and mentor, I can do this. I will learn about all things pink.

The Connected Child

I am a bit premature in posting this blog but I have a moment and a thought and need to take advantage of the intersecting of the two.

I am almost finished with The Connected Child by Dr. Karyn Purvis et al. It's an interesting, thought-provoking and illuminating read. It works well as a companion piece to Patty Cogen's book, How to Parent your Internationally Adopted Child. Connected is a lot less science and medicine than HTPYIAC, but the premise is very similar.

There are stressors and residues of stress events that mold your child and create a very definite coping pattern. Having a sense of "felt safety" will allow your child to let go of the hypervigilant, hypercontrolling behavior that creates most of the current family conflicts.

The above is my take on the book - not a quote from the authors.

The best part, in my opinion and practice, is the "how to handle" parts of this book. This book provides verbal and non-verbal cues to help in diffusing the stress-bomb that can be my child. I was afraid, during the reading of this book, that the authors might just give these strategies and leave it at that. Come on. We've all had moments with our kids when nothing works. nothing. not one damn thing. Thankfully, this book even touched on those times.

Dr. Purvis highlights that the basic needs - being hungry or tired or over-whatevered, can lead to behavioral storms. At this point, the storm is not as important as dealing with the need. These children have to know their needs are met. Period.

So, does it work? While I was reading the book I launched an experiment with Ben. The tactics worked well with him. I was exhausted while doing it, though. It really requires you to keep your good humor, patience, and script-for-dealing-with-challenging-behavior all up front all the time. I have no patience and some days no good humor.

I am going to continue to implement these strategies. We made it through Thanksgiving with very few difficult moments.

Now, I need to get dear husband to read this book. Okay, that won't happen. I need to write him some cliffs notes...

When I am finished with the book I will write a longer and more detailed review.

I have to admit that I am feeling vindicated by this book. My instincts and previous reading and input from other APs has led me to a non-traditional parenting approach. I have been the target of much parenting advice from well-meaning family and friends. I feel that I can now point at these books and say - hi there. I am not crazy, or lazy, or over-indulgent, or making things up, or reading too much into this "adopted" thing, or over-reacting or under-reacting or anything else. What I see and experience with Ben is real and is his way of dealing with the world. My mission as his Mom is to help him every day in how he copes with what's on his plate.

So there.