Thursday, April 15, 2010
Pictures from our adoption trips
These are in chronological order. Captions would take me weeks, so you'll have to live with just looking.
The first five pictures are of the orphanage. The baby house was originally built in 1892 as an Admiral's summer house. Notice the boat on the weather vane.
The next few pix are of us - Ben in December, Ben and me in January (right before we left the orphanage for the last time) and all of us in Red Square in Moscow in January.
Next come a few pictures of The Hermitage Museum and the Armory. The long pale yellow building with the statue in front is the State Museum of Russia.
The turquoise palace is Catherine's Palace in Tsarkoe Selo. Also in Tsarkoe Selo is Pavlovsk's Palace. Again it is a yellow building and incredibly lovely inside.
The picture of the gold domed building is Peterhof - Peter the Great's Palace. It is about 15 minutes from the Baby House. Quite a contrast.
The pink and white candy-striped church is the Chesme church in SP. Lots of people stop and take pictures, even though it's tucked back in a neighborhood. We did, tacky tourists.
The horse guards a bridge on Nevsky Prospekt. They were buried during WWII so the Germans would not take them. They are magnificent. The pink building is a business building along Nevsky that Kurt thought was beautiful.
The last pictures are of St. Isaac's Cathedral - outside and inside.
Adoption Story - This is our truth
When I left off my story (see February's posts), we had just finished our first trip to Saint Petersburg. We had met with Ben twice and had accepted him and asked for a adoption hearing court date.
We knew when we left Russia that the courts were going to try and squeeze us in before the holidays because everything shuts down for a good three weeks due to New Years and Russian Christmas. A few days after we returned home we found out that our court date would be December 21st. So we made our plans.
The second trip started off much like the first one - an overnight flight to Frankfurt, a bleary two hour layover and a nice nap-filled flight to SP. We changed hotels this time and stayed at the Petro Palace. It's a Russian hotel that is very nice, convenient, cheaper than the Radisson where we stayed on our first trip, and our travel partners (G&K) were staying there as well. We also found a really good Azari (Azerbaijani) restaurant just down the block. Grilled meats, veggies and rice - YUM. They also had hookas, but I passed on trying them.
We arrived Tuesday, December 19th, one day after Ben's first birthday. We were able to visit with him the following day and he was laughing and playing with us this time. He and Kurt made faces at each other and roared with laughter. Ben was also pulling up and trying to take a few steps. I should have paid attention to this.
Thursday at 3:00 was our court date. Kurt had a background speech prepared. Our judge was a woman, early 30's probably. She was very formal and we were nervous. We had a lot going for us and Ben had not been contacted or visited by any bio-family members, so we thought we had a good shot at finalizing our adoption. But we were halfway around the world, working in another country's jurisdiction and legal system. Nerve-wracking. The prosecutor asked us questions - primarily about our ages and how we knew we'd be good parents. We are both very close to our nieces and nephews and Kurt used to be a camp director. We brought lots of "kid experience" to the table. Then the Orphanage Director and the Social Worker stood and gave Ben's background and their reviews on our interactions with Ben.
The judge left the courtroom then for about 10 minutes. When she came back she started reading the adoption decree in English. That's when it really hit us. This child was ours forever. Kurt took my hand and we were both shaking. She read the entire document and then explained that his birth certificate in Russia would be changed to show us as his parents. His adoption record would be sealed for confidentiality and that we would need to wait the 10 day waiting period until we could leave the country. The whole proceeding took about an hour. In December in SP, the sun goes down at 4:00, so it was dark as night by the time we were back at the hotel.
The 10 day wait is not without its perils. If a family member requests it, the adoption can be cancelled. So, we were still not quite breathing easy.
We stayed a few more days and flew home on Christmas Eve. We were able to visit Ben on Friday and spent several hours with him. He was such a trooper. I know we played through a nap and a meal, but he was having fun, too. Saturday,after sleeping past noon, we visited St. Isaac's Cathedral and then went to Olive (a Greek restaurant) for dinner. I think that the trip had finally caught up to us. We were thrilled, exhausted, still anxious and had one more trip to make. We flew home through Charlotte and arrived around 8 pm Christmas Eve. Hearing the judge say that Ben was ours was the very best Christmas present I have ever received.
We knew when we left Russia that the courts were going to try and squeeze us in before the holidays because everything shuts down for a good three weeks due to New Years and Russian Christmas. A few days after we returned home we found out that our court date would be December 21st. So we made our plans.
The second trip started off much like the first one - an overnight flight to Frankfurt, a bleary two hour layover and a nice nap-filled flight to SP. We changed hotels this time and stayed at the Petro Palace. It's a Russian hotel that is very nice, convenient, cheaper than the Radisson where we stayed on our first trip, and our travel partners (G&K) were staying there as well. We also found a really good Azari (Azerbaijani) restaurant just down the block. Grilled meats, veggies and rice - YUM. They also had hookas, but I passed on trying them.
We arrived Tuesday, December 19th, one day after Ben's first birthday. We were able to visit with him the following day and he was laughing and playing with us this time. He and Kurt made faces at each other and roared with laughter. Ben was also pulling up and trying to take a few steps. I should have paid attention to this.
Thursday at 3:00 was our court date. Kurt had a background speech prepared. Our judge was a woman, early 30's probably. She was very formal and we were nervous. We had a lot going for us and Ben had not been contacted or visited by any bio-family members, so we thought we had a good shot at finalizing our adoption. But we were halfway around the world, working in another country's jurisdiction and legal system. Nerve-wracking. The prosecutor asked us questions - primarily about our ages and how we knew we'd be good parents. We are both very close to our nieces and nephews and Kurt used to be a camp director. We brought lots of "kid experience" to the table. Then the Orphanage Director and the Social Worker stood and gave Ben's background and their reviews on our interactions with Ben.
The judge left the courtroom then for about 10 minutes. When she came back she started reading the adoption decree in English. That's when it really hit us. This child was ours forever. Kurt took my hand and we were both shaking. She read the entire document and then explained that his birth certificate in Russia would be changed to show us as his parents. His adoption record would be sealed for confidentiality and that we would need to wait the 10 day waiting period until we could leave the country. The whole proceeding took about an hour. In December in SP, the sun goes down at 4:00, so it was dark as night by the time we were back at the hotel.
The 10 day wait is not without its perils. If a family member requests it, the adoption can be cancelled. So, we were still not quite breathing easy.
We stayed a few more days and flew home on Christmas Eve. We were able to visit Ben on Friday and spent several hours with him. He was such a trooper. I know we played through a nap and a meal, but he was having fun, too. Saturday,after sleeping past noon, we visited St. Isaac's Cathedral and then went to Olive (a Greek restaurant) for dinner. I think that the trip had finally caught up to us. We were thrilled, exhausted, still anxious and had one more trip to make. We flew home through Charlotte and arrived around 8 pm Christmas Eve. Hearing the judge say that Ben was ours was the very best Christmas present I have ever received.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Two conversations
Ben takes swimming lessons. He loves them and the pool is indoors so he can get lots of activity and exercise no matter the weather or the pollen count.
So, one of the other Moms in the class (we'll call her K), who knows that Ben was born in Russia, asked me about the news story in the post below. Well, of course, I have several opinions about what should have happened instead of what actually transpired. We stood next to the big swimming pool and spoke for a few minutes about the sad events. Ben and his class were not nearby. They were actually in a different pool at the other end of the room.
So, a few adults walk by us and get ready to swim laps in the big pool. It becomes apparent to me that one man was listening to my opinions about the state of Russian/US relations regarding intercountry adoptions. When it was time to get Ben from class, I moved to pass this group of adults. The man looked at me and said "Russia just sends us the kids from drug abusers and drunks. That's why the kids all have such problems." Really, I thought.
I did not mention during the course of my convo with K about me being an Adoptive Mom or that Ben was born in Russia. So, there was no way he would know these facts. I looked at him, I am sure, with a look on my face that was somewhere between "you are dumb/uninformed/annoying" and "have you met my drug-free, non FAS son?". I looked at this man and said, "the statistics just don't bear that out. Sixty thousand kids in the US adopted from Russia are not all suffering the after-effects of drug abuse and fetal alcohol syndrome." Not my best comeback, but hello, what a sweeping generalization.
Today, I stopped by the preschool office. While I was there, the director said that I would be calling her in a few years to tell her she was right. I said, about what? She said that in the 2nd grade, Ben would be pulled from class and tested for the gifted and talented program. She said he would also be admitted into the program. I was surprised. I have not given it much thought. I am busy working on Ben writing his "n"s correctly when he writes his name. I don't care if he is in the g/t program. I just want him to be successful and happy in his school experience.
So, here we have an educator who sees all kinds of potential and intelligence in my son and a complete stranger who sees only what he wants to see. I think I'll introduce him to Ben next week at swimming.
So, one of the other Moms in the class (we'll call her K), who knows that Ben was born in Russia, asked me about the news story in the post below. Well, of course, I have several opinions about what should have happened instead of what actually transpired. We stood next to the big swimming pool and spoke for a few minutes about the sad events. Ben and his class were not nearby. They were actually in a different pool at the other end of the room.
So, a few adults walk by us and get ready to swim laps in the big pool. It becomes apparent to me that one man was listening to my opinions about the state of Russian/US relations regarding intercountry adoptions. When it was time to get Ben from class, I moved to pass this group of adults. The man looked at me and said "Russia just sends us the kids from drug abusers and drunks. That's why the kids all have such problems." Really, I thought.
I did not mention during the course of my convo with K about me being an Adoptive Mom or that Ben was born in Russia. So, there was no way he would know these facts. I looked at him, I am sure, with a look on my face that was somewhere between "you are dumb/uninformed/annoying" and "have you met my drug-free, non FAS son?". I looked at this man and said, "the statistics just don't bear that out. Sixty thousand kids in the US adopted from Russia are not all suffering the after-effects of drug abuse and fetal alcohol syndrome." Not my best comeback, but hello, what a sweeping generalization.
Today, I stopped by the preschool office. While I was there, the director said that I would be calling her in a few years to tell her she was right. I said, about what? She said that in the 2nd grade, Ben would be pulled from class and tested for the gifted and talented program. She said he would also be admitted into the program. I was surprised. I have not given it much thought. I am busy working on Ben writing his "n"s correctly when he writes his name. I don't care if he is in the g/t program. I just want him to be successful and happy in his school experience.
So, here we have an educator who sees all kinds of potential and intelligence in my son and a complete stranger who sees only what he wants to see. I think I'll introduce him to Ben next week at swimming.
Friday, April 9, 2010
I lack the words
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100409/ap_on_re_eu/eu_russia_adopted_boy
The above is an article that appeared in the news this week. It is sad beyond belief - so many parts of it. It's not the first time that adoptions have gone disastrously wrong. There are examples of international adoptions being disrupted every year. They don't make the news by sending their seven year old several thousand miles away alone, however.
No one comes out a winner here. In fact, everyone has already lost. The agency who processed the adoption is being blocked. Russia is considering blocking all US adoptions, which is horrible news for those families already in process - between visitation and court trips or, even worse, after court and before the pickup trip to bring their child home. I shudder just thinking of it.
And so here's my soapbox.
Was the Adoptive Mom (AM) adequately prepared for adopting a six year old out of orphanage care? Where was her social worker - who is supposed to be adept an analyzing and reviewing the situation? Where was the pre-adoption counseling and professional psych/med opinions regarding what might happen?
Is there any grain of truth to the information we receive from the Russian orphanage workers/case workers/etc.? I wonder every day. It's sad that I wonder.
I would like to spew my vitriole at the AM, but since I don't know all the facts, I will reserve my judgment. I feel like we all lose when these situations happen. I am very angry at the step she took. She may feel isolated, desperate, scared. But his birth certificate now has her name on it as Mom. You can't just ship him back to Russia. Her agency should/could have helped with this.
International Adoptive Parents (AP) should never believe that the child they bring home will be without issues. It's naive and wrong. So there (I dare anyone to disagree).
I think I now have to act. Where are the advocates, the educators, the concerned and loving support of overwhelmed parents? I will again look at PEAR (Parents for Ethical Adoption Reform) and see what I can do.
Who has to work harder here? This child has needed help since he was born and relinquished. Time in an institution, even a well-run, well-funded institution (which doesn't exist in Russia), only exacerbates the problems. Six years of not being treated for possible violent tendencies or psychoses. Then, a chance comes along. And, six months later, there's still no help and he's back where he started. His options and future when he ages out of the orphanage at 16 are dismal.
The system needs changes, based on studies and facts. Prospective parents must be better educated on what could happen and where to turn. This needs to happen before the child comes home. It is not going to solve every adoption disruption. But, at this point, adoptions between the US and Russia are, once again, in terrible jeopardy.
Heartbreaking. Really heartbreaking.
The above is an article that appeared in the news this week. It is sad beyond belief - so many parts of it. It's not the first time that adoptions have gone disastrously wrong. There are examples of international adoptions being disrupted every year. They don't make the news by sending their seven year old several thousand miles away alone, however.
No one comes out a winner here. In fact, everyone has already lost. The agency who processed the adoption is being blocked. Russia is considering blocking all US adoptions, which is horrible news for those families already in process - between visitation and court trips or, even worse, after court and before the pickup trip to bring their child home. I shudder just thinking of it.
And so here's my soapbox.
Was the Adoptive Mom (AM) adequately prepared for adopting a six year old out of orphanage care? Where was her social worker - who is supposed to be adept an analyzing and reviewing the situation? Where was the pre-adoption counseling and professional psych/med opinions regarding what might happen?
Is there any grain of truth to the information we receive from the Russian orphanage workers/case workers/etc.? I wonder every day. It's sad that I wonder.
I would like to spew my vitriole at the AM, but since I don't know all the facts, I will reserve my judgment. I feel like we all lose when these situations happen. I am very angry at the step she took. She may feel isolated, desperate, scared. But his birth certificate now has her name on it as Mom. You can't just ship him back to Russia. Her agency should/could have helped with this.
International Adoptive Parents (AP) should never believe that the child they bring home will be without issues. It's naive and wrong. So there (I dare anyone to disagree).
I think I now have to act. Where are the advocates, the educators, the concerned and loving support of overwhelmed parents? I will again look at PEAR (Parents for Ethical Adoption Reform) and see what I can do.
Who has to work harder here? This child has needed help since he was born and relinquished. Time in an institution, even a well-run, well-funded institution (which doesn't exist in Russia), only exacerbates the problems. Six years of not being treated for possible violent tendencies or psychoses. Then, a chance comes along. And, six months later, there's still no help and he's back where he started. His options and future when he ages out of the orphanage at 16 are dismal.
The system needs changes, based on studies and facts. Prospective parents must be better educated on what could happen and where to turn. This needs to happen before the child comes home. It is not going to solve every adoption disruption. But, at this point, adoptions between the US and Russia are, once again, in terrible jeopardy.
Heartbreaking. Really heartbreaking.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
The Twilight Zone and GOPJAI
Last week I had a sleepless night. Rare for me (due to some great meds), but there it was - 4:00 am and not sleepy. So I thought I'd work on my blog. My computer is located in the guest room and we've had lots of company recently (save this topic for another blog post). Anyway, I've not had enough access to my computer to get some pix posted and the next installment of the adoption story written.
So at 4:00 am, I decided to get some pix montaged together. I struggled and mumbled my way through it and then thought it had not worked. At 5:15 I cursed, went downstairs and brewed a pot of coffee. I figured that I'd deal with it later.
Today, yes, several days later, I open my blog to write about the GOPJAI and how he's moved into my house, and lo and behold, there are my pictures. They are rough - no captions or music. But they give at least a glimpse of SP. I have TONS more of my sightseeing pictures and now that I know I can get them uploaded, I'll work on a larger montage. See list below for a guide to the montage.
Okay, now on to the God of Practical Jokes and Irony (GOPJAI). I did not think up this title, but I am borrowing it for this post (thanks, L!). As some of you know, my sweet husband took a two week hiatus between his jobs. He just started the new position last week. It was a very productive time for him - projects around the house and stuff. For budgeting sake, we had determined how much we needed to keep in our account in order to make it comfortably through until his first paycheck arrives. We were on target with this, even though we had two unexpected repairs on our cars.
It has gotten warm here in the last week. We finally broke down and turned on the air conditioner on Sunday. Broke down is the correct phrase because the unit died yesterday. The temperature outside was 86 and it was 88 upstairs in my house. Thankfully, the downstairs unit is still working. And, Kurt walked outside yesterday to see that he had a super-flat tire. Yep, no more procrastinating on those new tires. We will not ask the inevitable question (you know, what next?). We will not speak it aloud. GOPJAI might be listening. I am following my friend, L's advice - make an offering of wine and hope for a better tomorrow.
Guide to the montage. Pictures in order...
1. Church of the Savior on the Spilled Blood - Saint Petersburg
2. Outside the Ministry of Education and Family Building - SP
3 and 4 Church of the Savior again
5. Clinic where our medical exams were completed
6. Door to the notary office
7 and 8. Church of Peter and Paul, near Peterhof, about 15 minutes from Lomonosov
9. St. Basil's Cathedral in Red Square, Moscow
10. The new family in front of St. Basil's
11. Me and Ben in Red Square
So at 4:00 am, I decided to get some pix montaged together. I struggled and mumbled my way through it and then thought it had not worked. At 5:15 I cursed, went downstairs and brewed a pot of coffee. I figured that I'd deal with it later.
Today, yes, several days later, I open my blog to write about the GOPJAI and how he's moved into my house, and lo and behold, there are my pictures. They are rough - no captions or music. But they give at least a glimpse of SP. I have TONS more of my sightseeing pictures and now that I know I can get them uploaded, I'll work on a larger montage. See list below for a guide to the montage.
Okay, now on to the God of Practical Jokes and Irony (GOPJAI). I did not think up this title, but I am borrowing it for this post (thanks, L!). As some of you know, my sweet husband took a two week hiatus between his jobs. He just started the new position last week. It was a very productive time for him - projects around the house and stuff. For budgeting sake, we had determined how much we needed to keep in our account in order to make it comfortably through until his first paycheck arrives. We were on target with this, even though we had two unexpected repairs on our cars.
It has gotten warm here in the last week. We finally broke down and turned on the air conditioner on Sunday. Broke down is the correct phrase because the unit died yesterday. The temperature outside was 86 and it was 88 upstairs in my house. Thankfully, the downstairs unit is still working. And, Kurt walked outside yesterday to see that he had a super-flat tire. Yep, no more procrastinating on those new tires. We will not ask the inevitable question (you know, what next?). We will not speak it aloud. GOPJAI might be listening. I am following my friend, L's advice - make an offering of wine and hope for a better tomorrow.
Guide to the montage. Pictures in order...
1. Church of the Savior on the Spilled Blood - Saint Petersburg
2. Outside the Ministry of Education and Family Building - SP
3 and 4 Church of the Savior again
5. Clinic where our medical exams were completed
6. Door to the notary office
7 and 8. Church of Peter and Paul, near Peterhof, about 15 minutes from Lomonosov
9. St. Basil's Cathedral in Red Square, Moscow
10. The new family in front of St. Basil's
11. Me and Ben in Red Square
Thursday, April 1, 2010
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