Well, that's embarrassing

I am a blog lurker. I love reading blogs. Most times I do not even have a chance to comment on them due to a very insistent five year old. One very dear friend, who lives far away from me, has listed me as a blog she follows. How did I find out? I was reading her blog. Her blog is amazing - insightful, empathic, emotionally sound and so sensitive. I tear up through many of her posts.

I have many months now of "not updating" this site. It's not that I don't have much to say. Those who know me in real life know that I am rarely without words. So, now I am completely embarrassed that my own blog has not been updated in MONTHS and everyone who reads L's blog knows it. Where's that little sheepish emoticon when you need it?

Quick update on my life.

Ben continues to grow at an amazing rate. We are not without issues, however. Thankfully, they continue to be "lower-case-i" issues and not "capital-letter-I" issues. Separation anxiety, control issues and holidays are a nasty mix at our house. November and December may always be a bit hard for us due to the travel, houseguests and general schedule disruption that accompany them. Ben's birthday is also right there in the midst of it all. I am well aware that I will probably continue to bear the brunt of his insecurities. I try to work hard every day to understand the basis of his actions and not just his actions. It's not easy. I am impatient and grow tired of wearing the big red bullseye.

I am also considering a return to part-time work. While I am excited about an opportunity to interact with adults and earn some money I want to make sure that I am available for Ben as he transitions to "big school". Lots to think about.

This week I am thinking about decision-making (thanks to L). How do I make the best decision for me and my family? I try to consider all angles of the "what if" before I make a decision, but what about when the decision could lead to unknown results? The Pandora's box effect of not knowing what may happen two or three steps down the line is a bit paralyzing for me. I am pretty black and white when it comes to decisions. If all of the outcomes are helpful, or at least not too harmful, then the decision is much easier. But what about when there is real emotional risk? I emotionally flop around like a fish on a dry dock. Doing nothing is an answer, too, but is it the right one?

I hope my blog friends are comforted by this evidence of my continued existence. Maybe I'll have another quiet morning soon and can update again.