The Inexplicable

Things Ben does that I just don't get.

He yells for me from the bathroom and says he needs help. I walk in and his leg, with a foot still in the sock, mind you, is all the way in the toilet.

He picks a particularly annoying booger out of his nose and feels that he must wipe it on a leg - mine or Kurt's. Never his own leg.

He climbs up in my lap and snuggles close. Then he lets go of a huge, long, loud and smelly fart. Right on my lap.

I kill a small spider using Ben's discarded shoe. Ben must pick up shoe and examine smooshed spider parts.

I buy him chicken nuggets from a fast food restaurant (yeah, I was bribing, um, I mean rewarding him). He asks for packets of dip for the nuggets. He then eats the dip out of the packets with his fingers.

All of this happened in the last 24 hours. Asking Ben "why?" has yielded no helpful responses. My Mom has already warned me that this will continue and grow in gross-intensity over the next ten years.

Of course, this is the same child who asked me if I knew what my destiny was. I said, yes, my destiny is to make sure you reach adulthood, safe and healthy. He was not impressed. He told Kurt the other day that he wants to be a spy and work for "the Company". Huh?

My Mom laughs and tells me that God gave us the perfect child for us. He keeps us on our toes that's for sure. Wonder what tomorrow will bring?

Comfort food

These are my thoughts...

Food and control are two of Ben's core issues. Whether they be genetic or developmental does not matter right now. He's got them - in spades. I am trying to discern if the food issue is a thinly-veiled control issue. Here's what I know.

Ben is a very sensory-sensitive kid. He craves sensory input from his hands, feet and mouth. I cannot tell you (well, I could, but you'd be embarrassed at my useless attempts at being in charge) how many times I have to remind him that we don't put "non-food" objects in his mouth. Choking hazards galore. Loose change, plastic toy pieces, silly bands, matchbox cars. This tendency abates almost completely during lower stress times. End of the school year had it ratcheting up again.

I try to alleviate the oral craving by providing him with snacks - crunchy, chewy, flavorful snacks. Of course, then there's the Mom-part of me that wants them to be semi-nutritious and the borderline-special-needs-aware Mom part of me that is watching sugar, dyes and hfcs. Organic is great, but come on - Ben dropped his sugar free lollipop in a parking lot and picked it up and put it back in his mouth. Yeah. Pesticides are nothing compared to oil, anti-freeze, dirt and goodness knows what else.

So, I keep mini-bagels, string cheese, pretzels, organic low sugar gummy treats, and apples and bananas on hand almost all the time. He eats often. Usually four meals plus a snack or two. I guess this is ok though I resist researching caloric intake for five year olds. My Mommy self-esteem would be injured.

He's also the biggest kid among his friends and classmates. He outweighs them by 15-20 pounds. His foot is a full three sizes larger than his buddies and he is about 2 inches taller than they are. He's also a stocky, broad-shouldered, strong Bam-Bam of a kid.

I keep wondering how I feed the child (nutrition and metabolism) and feed the emotionally controlling/sensory child. Am I dooming my son to overweight status in order to keep his oral fixation under control? Am I inadvertently contributing to his recent sneaking of goodies by not answering his call for yet another snack?

And, yes, he does seem to want more food when he's bored, stressed, or lacking structured activity. I have also been guilty of using food as a bribe. I suck. I have to drag him (sometimes a bit literally) to his appointments (listed in above post) and usually have to promise him a treat in order to get at least a bit of cooperation. Please listen now while I self-flagellate.

I want to break some bad trends before we go any further. What is he trying to say to me by his actions that I am not hearing? I know that his vision therapy appointments are stressful for his brain (massive input and reaction) and stressful for me (paying out of pocket). But I don't want him to end up thinking as food as a reward or payment.

I have (a bit gloatingly) promised myself that food would not be a control issue in our home. I have too many friends whose mealtimes are war zones. Ben is pretty easy at mealtimes and by that I mean that he eats a well-rounded diet of foods we choose together. He's not opposed to too many foods.

Well, he's now demanding some dry cereal (Special K) in a bowl. It's on the top shelf so I will need to go get it before he climbs the pantry again.

Developmental Optometry

If, at some point, in the last five years, I had actually heard this term, I had not ever really considered what it might mean. But, lately, it's become a big part of my life - and Ben's.

Ben just finished his Pre-K year. He is liked by his friends and teachers, enjoys math and science and pretend. He's musical and silly. A pretty typical 5 year old.

But Ben was struggling with reading. Oh, he knew his sight words. He memorized them each week. So long as he was not the first child called upon during class to read from the board, he was golden. Got them all correct.

On good days, he could read the words, even if mixed up, on the board. But, in his book and on a worksheet - not so good.

I don't believe that children don't want to learn. I sincerely believe that they all have the desire to know more. They are naturally curious. So, I was not buying into any notion of "Ben's not trying hard enough". Ben was fortunate to have two outstanding teachers who completely understood that more was going on than just a resistance and frustration with reading.

So, his fabulous, wonderful and amazing OT began assessing Ben for a visual perception difficulty. This was not just identifying letters or words. This was visual memory, perception, spatial relationships. All kinds of things I take for granted. After weeks of assessment, Ben's OT realized that he was struggling with horizontal tracking, convergence and divergence. She referred us to a development optometrist who also confirmed that Ben's left eye is far weaker than his right eye.

Dr. G has now put Ben in glasses. The glasses do help, but, of course, Ben is not interested in wearing glasses on a daily basis during the summer. He's firmly in "play mode". He starts enrichment camps tomorrow and I will insist on the glasses being worn. Hopefully, we will be able to get him in the habit before he starts K in August. I *sigh* here because most of you know that Ben only does what Ben wants to when he wants to. I should have named him Benjamin I-must-control-all-things-within-my-universe Suhs. He would have at least been self-explanatory.

Ben is also going to Vision Therapy twice a week. He's not wild about going but once he's there he likes it just fine. I think it just disrupts his day and makes his brain tired. It makes my brain tired, too. And my wallet (ugh).

Oh, what causes this? Who knows. Dr. G and I discussed the post-institutional aspect of Ben's case. I asked him if he thought Ben's issue was due to lack of visual stimulation in the baby house. Dr. G has worked with children for 30 years and absolutely feels that physical or emotional trauma affects brain development and can stunt the growth in particular areas. So, the huge changes in Ben's life during the first year could be as responsible for this condition as a genetic predisposition. Another reason in my mind for a birth family search.

Whew. I feel better now that I have posted and can push the "you better start blogging again" monkey, uh, I mean, L, off my back. Luv ya L.

I am about halfway through No Riding in the House without a Helmet by Melissa Fay Greene. I am very interested in seeing how it all develops. Really fascinated by how Jesse (adopted from Bulgaria) blends into the family.