Kurt's travel schedule with his job has been busy lately. Since the first of the year, he has traveled about 2 weeks each month. Last week he was in Chicago for three days, home about 1:00 am on Friday morning, and left today after lunch for New York City. He will be home Thursday night late.
I see Ben reacting to his absence. Usually it starts two days into the travel time. Ben gets whiny, more demanding, and cries easily. This usually progresses into a meltdown (30 minutes or more) of real crying "I want Daddy". Luckily, his teachers, et al, don't see any change in his behavior. I think that during the day he is used to Dad not being around. It's at home when the absence is really noticeable.
Kurt usually leaves early in the morning to take the early flight. Ben is asleep when he leaves. Today was a mid-afternoon flight so Kurt packed as soon as he finished lunch.
Well. Boy howdy! Ben laid on the bed next to the suitcase and cried. Then he hung onto Kurt's leg while Kurt was trying to walk down the stairs. Then Ben put on his shoes and ran out to get in the car with Kurt. Tears, snot, and flip flops went running down the driveway. It was awful.
Then I had to hold him still long enough for Kurt to pull away. That made him mad at me. Yay. I see how this week is going. So, I did what any rational yet desperate Mom would do. I offered him M&M's. Not just regular ones, but the dark chocolate ones in Easter pastel colors. Yeah, I was saving them for someones Easter Basket, but you know about desperate times.
So there we sat. In the big overstuffed chair cuddling and drowning our sorrows in dark chocolate.
Ben told me that he's afraid that someone will steal Kurt and take him away. Or that something scary will happen to him and he'll be "lost". Lost is a big theme in Ben's fears.
I know that separation anxiety occurs in all kids of all ages. I also know that my sweet one has his heart broken because he is not comfortable believing that Dad will come home every time he leaves.
I wonder if there will ever be a time of relaxing his constant vigilance. Will he ever take us for granted? He truly believes that it will happen - one of us won't be there any more for him. He is terrified of being alone.
It's almost as if Ben feels that it's his job to make sure we stay around. He pushes me (and all my emotional buttons) to test my willingness to stay. He does not become an obedient child in hopes that we stay; he becomes worse behaved to see if we will leave him. Interesting difference. Does fear of abandonment ever ease?
Mom and my sister, A, should be here soon. They are staying for a few days and will help distract Ben. Bless them.
1 comment:
Ann, it's exhausting, isn't it?
As he is getting older do you think making a calendar and showing him how many days Kurt will be away and letting him mark off the days until Kurt comes home, would that help any? Do you think that would make him feel like he has some control over the process? Probably not, but hey, it's worth a try, right?
You know, every time I leave the house with out Sonia, to go to a meeting or something, she falls apart. She acts as though I were abandoning her. I guess that's what it feels like to her, huh? It always surprises me because I think, hell, we've been together for almost six years, haven't you learned that I will always come back? But I guess that somewhere deep inside her brain there is a memory she cannot get rid of.
And that's something I have to live with, she has to live with, we all have to live with.
Astounding, isn't it? You'd think they would "get over it". But they can't. They just can't.
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