The take-away

I was just reading my friend's blog.  She's funny, wise, and incredibly insightful with her daughter.  I come away from her blog understanding more about my situation and my reactions with Ben.

Just now, she was recounting a story about an adopted child saying that she felt like a empty, broken jar that can't be filled.  So...I move this through the several synaptic connections I have left...and wonder what it will take for Ben to feel filled.  Secure.  At Ease. 

Not the hyper-vigilant child who follows me from room to room.  Who won't go to sleep without being held close.  Who gets, literally, sweaty palms when encountering even a benign new situation.  At this point I am imagining  20 years down the road having Ben's future wife take my place getting him to sleep at night.  I have a feeling he's going to marry a girl who likes to cuddle cause he is CLINGY.

The last week or so, he's been pushing the arguing and controlling to new heights.  Of course, in our house, that's usually food-related.  Good news on that front is that, for the first time, Ben is wearing some of the same pants and all the same shirts as last winter. 

Anyway, Sunday morning was the time change.  Lovely to wake up in daylight again.  Ben and Kurt had made plans to go and get bagels for breakfast.  I know, you Northerners think we can't get good bagels down here.  But we go to a place called NY Bagels and they are really good.  Anyway, I get up at 7:30 and Ben is beginning to meltdown.  He goes and sneaks food for breakfast and then got in trouble for it.  He got in trouble for disobeying us and eating what constituted a full breakfast.  I suggested he eat a snack that could hold him until he and K got back with bagels.  He ends up in tears and Kurt and I are incredibly frustrated.  I am stymied and then I think about it.  His stomach thinks it's 8:30.  He usually eats breakfast at 6:30.  He's famished.  Duh.

It's really difficult to practice what the pros preach.  Invariably, my frustration stems from Ben being Ben and I am the one who can't handle it any longer.  Nice.  Some grown-up I turned out to be. 

Family is getting interesting, too.  Since they live close by, we see them pretty often.  What this also means is that I am getting "parenting advice" from them.  Uh oh.  This brings out my pinched and pursed face.  I think I am going to reread The Connected Child and start quoting it - or using page numbers - or something.  All I can think is that I better call in back-up from the non-judging babysitters while Kurt and I are in Russia or else it could be a really long week for Ben. 

And, no, we don't know when we're going to Russia.  We are waiting.  I really don't know how adoptive parents with long waits get through it.  Years of waiting?  I just don't think I am strong enough for that.  I have been catching myself staring at the phone. 

It feels harder this time.  I have been wondering why and I think I have come to a basic conclusion.

I know now what it's like to be a Mom.  I know how much I love Ben, how amazing he is, how much he has filled our lives.  I can't wait for that to happen all over again.  What's that line..."when you figure out who you want to spend the rest of your life with; you want the rest of your life to start right away".  something like that. 

Yep.  That's it.