Do you hear that noise?

Yep, it's me beating my head against a wall.

Let me back up and give a little background.

I attempt to parent my child in the privacy of my home. Which means that I try to not discuss Ben's behavior with others within earshot of Ben. I try to not discuss Ben's behaviors with others at all.

And the answer is "yes" I am a defensive, paranoid, impatient parent of a child who's needs are outside of the traditional. I smile politely while people drone on about their opinions of my child. Whatever. I am arrogant enough to think that I know my child what's best for him.

However...

The last few weeks of living with Ben have really been trying. Like demon possession or Jekyll/Hyde or alien infestation kind of trying.

This morning I told Ben that we would go to camp and then to his Vision Therapy (VT) appointment. He told me that he was not going to go to VT. Over the next hour or so, he reiterated this viewpoint with actions and words. Really. I could give example after example but it comes down to willful disobedience because he did not want to go to VT.

When camp was over? He decided to hide behind a tree and sit on the ground. Are you picturing me pulling out my hair? I try to remain calm because I cannot allow this to escalate into a public spectacle. And, yes, it does cross my mind that I appear to be "the Mom who can't control her kid". Yeah. It's not a new feeling for me.

I finally coerce Ben into the car. I used a snack bribe - that tells you how desperate I was. We went to VT and I was able to get Ben inside the building. Then he COMPLETELY LOCKS UP as I try to usher him in the door of the doctor's office. He became a cat being wrestled into a carrier for a grooming appointment.

Holy holy crap.

Was I bad in a previous life?

I had already offered the carrot (a milkshake) and provided him a snack in the car. He usually would have been okay - not happy and a little reluctant - but not defiant.

But NOT THIS TIME. No Way. He was NOT GOING IN.

I did the only thing I could think of. I called hubby.

I know. Bad form. But it's 95 degrees outside, I am paying for this appointment whether Ben clears the door or not (and that sucks), and I have STILL not figured out what all this defiance and oppositional behavior is supposed to be telling me.

Anyway, hubby was in the car and had a moment to talk to Ben. He also offered the carrot and was emotionally supportive of what VT was going to accomplish with Ben. You know, the whole coach speech - you can do it, you can do it.

While Ben talked to hubby, I was able to steer him into this minuscule office and back to the Vision Therapist. He spent the next 40 or so minutes doing AS LITTLE as humanly possible. He ignored, he distracted himself with other gadgets, he laid down on the floor, he pretended to be asleep/be thirsty/have to go to the bathroom. Meanwhile I sat in the small waiting area and attempted to play Scrabble on my Kindle. Amazing how many curse words Scrabble won't let you use. All I can hear is the Vision Therapist saying "Ben, don't...", "Ben, come here", "Ben, listen to me". On and On.

Inside, I was ready to cry or scream or both. On the outside, though, I appeared pretty calm. No, I don't have any illusions that this therapy might be enjoyable for Ben. It's making his brain work and forcing his eyes to get stronger and work together. I also don't feel like we have a choice. Ben is having vision issues and, to this point, can't read. He is also becoming resistant to attempting to read. It is becoming an emotional issue. shit.

So, the Vision Therapist comes out and sits down next to me. She is older - maybe 60. She taught Kindy for a dozen years and has worked as a Vision Therapist for a number of years. Background for you.

She begins to tell me all about Ben. How we really need to get a counselor involved and learn how to parent Ben so that he is not so strong-willed. That he needs to learn that he's not in charge. That he can't control everything.

I could feel my brain cells becoming squishy and gelatinous during her discourse. I tried to be polite, but I could feel myself internally refusing to hold eye contact with her.

Because, ya know what? I already know this about Ben. This is not even page-37-under-the-fold kind of news.

Yet, while I HATE having to listen to a story on how I should parent my child, I can't help but think that the last few weeks are causing me to wonder where my sweet kid went. Maybe I do need to get counseling. Man, that sucks. I hate counseling. Change and try new things and implement new and successful strategies. Ugh. I am only being a bit facetious.

I am fortunate that Ben has had a fabulous summer at camps. No acting up or acting out with teachers or other students. It's me he's pushing.

Hubby thinks it might be the Vision Therapist. I will grant you that "warm" is not the first word you would use to describe her. She is encouraging and enthusiastic about Ben and his progress, though.

Ben also had major meltdown last week when we went to OT - which is crazy because he loves his OT. Loves her. Last week he refused to get out of my car because he did not want to go in and do OT. He said he was tired. Debbie, our amazing OT, came out to the car and talked him inside.

My Mom offered that maybe Ben's had enough therapy sessions for a summer and let him have some free time. I actually maybe agree with her. However, we still have this reading issue looming over us and kindergarten starts on August 15th. Was that too Tiger-ish a comment?

I wonder if Ben is beginning to "feel different" than his friends because of his therapy appointments. We don't discuss them in public so this would be an internalized issue for Ben - feeling different not being made to feel different. KWIM?

I know that camp tires him out. But it is a lot less vigorous than school was mentally and the same amount of hours. If he's too tired to hold it together after camp then how will I ever get him to an appointment after a whole 7:20-2:20 school day?

Any thoughts my wise and wonderful friends? Anyone still reading?