Kurt's travel schedule with his job has been busy lately. Since the first of the year, he has traveled about 2 weeks each month. Last week he was in Chicago for three days, home about 1:00 am on Friday morning, and left today after lunch for New York City. He will be home Thursday night late.
I see Ben reacting to his absence. Usually it starts two days into the travel time. Ben gets whiny, more demanding, and cries easily. This usually progresses into a meltdown (30 minutes or more) of real crying "I want Daddy". Luckily, his teachers, et al, don't see any change in his behavior. I think that during the day he is used to Dad not being around. It's at home when the absence is really noticeable.
Kurt usually leaves early in the morning to take the early flight. Ben is asleep when he leaves. Today was a mid-afternoon flight so Kurt packed as soon as he finished lunch.
Well. Boy howdy! Ben laid on the bed next to the suitcase and cried. Then he hung onto Kurt's leg while Kurt was trying to walk down the stairs. Then Ben put on his shoes and ran out to get in the car with Kurt. Tears, snot, and flip flops went running down the driveway. It was awful.
Then I had to hold him still long enough for Kurt to pull away. That made him mad at me. Yay. I see how this week is going. So, I did what any rational yet desperate Mom would do. I offered him M&M's. Not just regular ones, but the dark chocolate ones in Easter pastel colors. Yeah, I was saving them for someones Easter Basket, but you know about desperate times.
So there we sat. In the big overstuffed chair cuddling and drowning our sorrows in dark chocolate.
Ben told me that he's afraid that someone will steal Kurt and take him away. Or that something scary will happen to him and he'll be "lost". Lost is a big theme in Ben's fears.
I know that separation anxiety occurs in all kids of all ages. I also know that my sweet one has his heart broken because he is not comfortable believing that Dad will come home every time he leaves.
I wonder if there will ever be a time of relaxing his constant vigilance. Will he ever take us for granted? He truly believes that it will happen - one of us won't be there any more for him. He is terrified of being alone.
It's almost as if Ben feels that it's his job to make sure we stay around. He pushes me (and all my emotional buttons) to test my willingness to stay. He does not become an obedient child in hopes that we stay; he becomes worse behaved to see if we will leave him. Interesting difference. Does fear of abandonment ever ease?
Mom and my sister, A, should be here soon. They are staying for a few days and will help distract Ben. Bless them.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Time marches on
The last few weeks have been quite eventful. The job I "had conversations about" is not going to be vacant for another year. This is good news considering that my boss' position would be empty. So, in the meantime, I am going to be doing some as-needed-on-demand Admin work and enjoying the end of Ben's Pre-K career.
I realized tonight how much Ben has grown up in the past year. He had Karate class at 4:00, where, of course, he was able to almost qualify for a stripe on his belt by performing a combination, by himself with no coaching, that I had no idea he even knew. I am wondering if he's memorized times tables in his spare time yet...
After Karate, we decided to eat dinner out. Kurt is flying back tonight but not until much later so we can eat pretty much whatever we please - that means fast food. My rule was no pizza and no hotdog. Ben wanted a hamburger and shake, so we went to Steak and Shake. He wanted to eat inside and not do the drive through. So my guy and I had a dinner date over burgers and fries this evening. He was amazing. We talked about Karate, school, Dad coming home. Just stuff. He was coloring on the kids' menu, wearing the paper hat, and just being. No fits and spurts of energy or running in the restaurant. He used his polite manners (gemmanly, as he says) to ask for a second straw and extra napkins.
As a Mom I was thrilled with his public behavior. But, as HIS Mom, I was thrilled with having a fun hour to sit and talk together and just hang out. No meltdowns (had that already this morning; both of us), no backtalk or legal opening arguments on why he should be allowed to do X. He's a great kid and usually I am too busy Mothering him to see it.
I wonder about the future and Ben's ability to transition as a teenager and adult. Kurt is travelling about 2 weeks a month right now. It's okay for a few days and then gets really hard on Ben. He cries or gets mad at me. He has told me before that his fear is that Dad won't come back. So, I understand what's up. He also gets upset after he talks to Kurt on the phone - usually first thing in the morning. Today he was hitting me and I told him that he would not go to his class party today if he continued. Then the tears started. We just sat together and hugged for a few minutes.
He handles the rest of his day well (behavior at school, activities after school) but at night he really wants to sit and hang out with Kurt.
Another transition. Ben's OT is changing practices. Of course, busybody me gives her my home number and begs her to let us follow her. I think we can, but it will be a drive. I don't care - this OT and Ben are great together. I was NOT looking forward to breaking that news to him. He'll be ok with an office change.
Does this get easier? I think Ben tries to protect himself from being hurt, but he loves his teachers, his OT, his DAD. Yes, he loves me too, but I am here all the time. The outward signs of his grief manifest in such odd, small ways that usually only I witness. I wonder if he's ever going to be able to break up with a girlfriend or is he going to be the guy who still thinks "they're together".
Does this form of watchdog parenting of a stressed-brain child continue or abate as time goes along? Do the manifestations look more like typical teenager behaviors? Time to pull out the PC manual of child-rearing. I have seen listings for a couple of other books. I think I will check them out as well.
The developmental optometrist asked me if I had a background in nursing or medicine. I laughed and said, no, just a Mom who has done a lot of reading on how to do our best for this darling child. Fingers crossed and lots of prayers said - it will be just enough.
I realized tonight how much Ben has grown up in the past year. He had Karate class at 4:00, where, of course, he was able to almost qualify for a stripe on his belt by performing a combination, by himself with no coaching, that I had no idea he even knew. I am wondering if he's memorized times tables in his spare time yet...
After Karate, we decided to eat dinner out. Kurt is flying back tonight but not until much later so we can eat pretty much whatever we please - that means fast food. My rule was no pizza and no hotdog. Ben wanted a hamburger and shake, so we went to Steak and Shake. He wanted to eat inside and not do the drive through. So my guy and I had a dinner date over burgers and fries this evening. He was amazing. We talked about Karate, school, Dad coming home. Just stuff. He was coloring on the kids' menu, wearing the paper hat, and just being. No fits and spurts of energy or running in the restaurant. He used his polite manners (gemmanly, as he says) to ask for a second straw and extra napkins.
As a Mom I was thrilled with his public behavior. But, as HIS Mom, I was thrilled with having a fun hour to sit and talk together and just hang out. No meltdowns (had that already this morning; both of us), no backtalk or legal opening arguments on why he should be allowed to do X. He's a great kid and usually I am too busy Mothering him to see it.
I wonder about the future and Ben's ability to transition as a teenager and adult. Kurt is travelling about 2 weeks a month right now. It's okay for a few days and then gets really hard on Ben. He cries or gets mad at me. He has told me before that his fear is that Dad won't come back. So, I understand what's up. He also gets upset after he talks to Kurt on the phone - usually first thing in the morning. Today he was hitting me and I told him that he would not go to his class party today if he continued. Then the tears started. We just sat together and hugged for a few minutes.
He handles the rest of his day well (behavior at school, activities after school) but at night he really wants to sit and hang out with Kurt.
Another transition. Ben's OT is changing practices. Of course, busybody me gives her my home number and begs her to let us follow her. I think we can, but it will be a drive. I don't care - this OT and Ben are great together. I was NOT looking forward to breaking that news to him. He'll be ok with an office change.
Does this get easier? I think Ben tries to protect himself from being hurt, but he loves his teachers, his OT, his DAD. Yes, he loves me too, but I am here all the time. The outward signs of his grief manifest in such odd, small ways that usually only I witness. I wonder if he's ever going to be able to break up with a girlfriend or is he going to be the guy who still thinks "they're together".
Does this form of watchdog parenting of a stressed-brain child continue or abate as time goes along? Do the manifestations look more like typical teenager behaviors? Time to pull out the PC manual of child-rearing. I have seen listings for a couple of other books. I think I will check them out as well.
The developmental optometrist asked me if I had a background in nursing or medicine. I laughed and said, no, just a Mom who has done a lot of reading on how to do our best for this darling child. Fingers crossed and lots of prayers said - it will be just enough.
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