Quick follow up

Ben's teacher sent me  an e-mail.  She apologized for the incident with the scratch on Ben's arm.  She assured me that the offender had been punished.  She also said that the boys in her class seem intent on hurting each other this year.  She's going to ask the school counselor to come in and talk to the class.

With three weeks left of school, I think this is probably the most she can do.  So, let's discuss how I will be changing my behavior as a result of this week's conflicts and confrontations.

Teacher confirmed that Ben's account of the arm-scratching episode was exactly accurate.  This means two things.

One, Ben told me the whole truth.  He was asked to help his classmate clean up after group time.  Ben went over to lend a hand.  Classmate got mad and scratched Ben.  Hard enough to need band aids. I must take what Ben tells me at home and pursue it with teacher in the future in order to protect and advocate for my son.

Second, Ben does not trust his teachers enough to tell them when a physical altercation occurs.  His remark to me is that when he tells the teachers about a problem they "tell him to go sit down and do his work".  Ben then stops telling them anything.  Case in point was the fingernail incident with Other Classmate.  The gouge on Ben's arm was deep enough to bleed, scab and leave a scar and he said nothing to the teachers about it.  Again, he had been asked by the teacher to "help Other Classmate" and Other Classmate got mad.

So, I am learning. I am also thinking that Ben's acting out behavior in the past few weeks may be linked to this toxic dynamic in the classroom.  Post-institutional and trauma-brain coping skills are like that.  Ben copes by "reminding" a person, usually in a negative attention way, that he exists and needs care.  If he feels that his teachers are not going to back him up, treat him fairly, or attend to his needs, then he will act out in order for him to prove his existence.  This is how he copes and how he has coped since before I met him.  The baby house workers told me this the first time I met Ben. 

I know that Ben has to work through and with the class dynamic - and somehow manage to actually learn the curriculum.  I am eagerly awaiting summer break. 

What the....?

Yeah, that's what Ben says when he's flummoxed by a situation and knows that he'll get in trouble for adding any words to the end of that question.

Ben's classroom behavior is all riled up again.  He's resistant to the work.  He finds the electric pencil sharpener much more interesting than Math Group.  He and his ever-changing band of kindy-miscreants tickle, tease, insult, and think up new ways to torment each other and their teachers. 

I get e-mails from the teacher, notes from the teacher and sometimes a dreaded "Refocus" form.  I will take a moment here to roll my eyes.  I like a Refocus form that tells me exactly the nature and scope of offense and the solution.  Lately, I am getting chapter books on Ben's unwillingness to cooperate. Just say it and move on.  I don't need chapter and verse of every offense.  As far as I am concerned, by the time he gets home from school it's too late for me to deal with something that happened at 9:30 in the morning.  It would be like me scolding my dog today for peeing on the carpet yesterday. 

Intellectually, I understand that Ben must learn to behave according to class rules or he will have a miserable school experience - or even worse- end up being homeschooled by me.  Now, homeschooling is great for some.  I lack the genetic makeup to teach and my child who loves me "MORE MORE MORE" does not want me to teach him anything.  So school it is.

However, he has also come home twice in the last two weeks with injuries imparted to him by other students.  This makes me furious.  Soul-shaking, swearing like a salty seaman, Mama Bear furious.  One child grabbed hold of Ben's forearm and dug his fingernails in so hard that Ben had a puncture wound in the shape of a fingernail.  Teacher and Asst. Teacher did not see it happen and Ben did not tell anyone so nothing happened. 

As an aside, I have to wonder how Ben feels in his heart of hearts about his teachers.  He usually does not trust a teacher enough to take care of him so he just does not tell them about physical altercations.  This could make advocating for him.

Yesterday, Ben got off the bus with two band aids on his arm.  Asst Teacher put them there to cover a deep scratch given to him by another student.  The scratch still looks red this morning and it's over three inches long.  What the ??? Is Ben leaving his marks on other students? 

I sent a late-night e-mail to the teacher yesterday.  The black-hole that my child enters everyday at 7:20 and leaves at 2:20 prevents me from understanding and experiencing the class dynamic and chemistry.  I have visited the school and class often enough to know the children by sight, but I don't know who the instigator is and who the followers are.  Ben might be leading the charge of misbehavior or he might be following along. 

I am waiting to hear from Teacher.  I respect her and genuinely like her.  I am hopeful that she will be able to impart some fill in information for me.  Ben is a lot of things, but he is not much of a liar (really bad at it) and confesses his wrongdoings to pretty much anyone who will listen. 

Is his behavior related to the confrontations with classmates?  Is he just tired of school?  I know he's struggling still with mastering his sight words.  Is this causing him to act out?  He rocks the Math work -so is he bored in math group?  I have had conferences with both Teacher and Asst. Teacher.  AT told me that "Ben will have trouble" in school unless he tows the line.  She seems to be pretty old school.  I was waiting for her to tell me that he needs meds.  I am not seeing signs of any of the alphabet-disorders.  And, trust me, I look. 

Oh, and the best part.  Ben was sent to the Principal's office this week for threatening another child in his class.  He said that he was going to punch her and then punched his palm with his other hand.  The Asst Principal called me and lectured us both on how serious this offense was.  The school has a zero tolerance policy on bullying and threats.  I get it.  I was so upset as was dear hubby.  Ben has been punished in a manner we feel is age-appropriate and meaningful.

But he did not touch his classmate. 

Okay, just received an e-mail from the teacher.  I better go read it and see what's up. 

 

Sorry about that

It's been a rather hectic few weeks here. Last week was Spring Break and we went to visit the in-laws. It was a good visit - pretty low key, the weather was fabulous, and Ben had plenty of time to swim and play.

Ben had a cough while we were out of town. After a few days I noticed that he was not coughing anything up even though it sounded like a wet, deep cough. Saturday afternoon late we returned home and decided that a trip to the urgent care clinic sounded like a good idea. Turns out he has pneumonia.

Oh goodness. Hubby and I felt like the absolute worst parents ever! How could we not know he had pneumonia? Hmmm...he was running around happy, swimming, running, not sickly or running a fever. Appetite was off a bit and he was breathing heavy, but that's not outside his scope of pollen reactions.

So this week has been trying to convince Ben he should rest and lay low. He went to school yesterday and apparently it was too much for him. He was wiped out this morning. He fell asleep two hours ago sprawled across the big chair and ottoman and is still sawing logs. Wish he'd do this every day.

So, we met with our Social Worker before spring break. We'll call her A. We, well, I mean, I, am in the midst of paperwork for the homestudy and the registration docs for our agency. It feels productive to get going on this and still daunting to think about what's ahead.

So, I am trying to think back to the first year Ben was home. I am working on remembering how he reacted to new things and how much care he needed (diapers, bottles, etc.). It's really hard to remember much on the day to day of Ben in 2007. It was all filtered through a lens of sleep deprivation and grief. My Dad was losing his battle with leukemia, my dear hubby was fighting a bacterial infection that eventually led to surgery, and my family was not able to support me on a daily basis.

Thank God for my friends. The C's, friends before during and after the adoption, and the H's, my first friends post adoption, kept me from driving away from it all. I should probably call them and ask what I need - they were new parents as well that same year.

It does feel like a cliff. Right now it's the gently sloping uphill hike of paper forms and obscure governmental clearances and teaching yourself to not ask "why do they need that?".

One day we'll reach the top, accept the referral, meet our child, get through court and the whole "don't pinch me, I might wake up" jet-lagged, numb feeling pervades, insulating me from the emotional upheaval.

Then the jump off the cliff, which absurdly came to me at the moment I boarded the airplane to the US with Ben. For Russia Adoptive Moms, this is the last moment someone is coming to say "this is not your child". When we landed on US soil, our child became automatic US citizen.

It's a strong soup of emotions and I think this time around I will be much more aware of the reactions of my child (and children once home) than I was the first time.