Moving along

The last week has become a productive one for me. I am not talking about regular productive like groceries and laundry, which by the way, never seem to be done completely. I mean in my "decisions" that I discussed two weeks ago.

I stepped off the cliff and did not go splat on the ground. Whew. So far, so good.

Yeah, I know. I watch myself struggle with these decisions and chuckle at my own folly. I need to get over it and stop taking myself so seriously. The whole point of life is growth and change. If I don't grow, and, (gasp) perhaps even evolve, then I am not living. So these changes are an exciting opportunity for growth and that's my "motivational speaker" mantra for today.

So do you wanna know my decisions? Is anyone even still reading? Frankly, even I am a bit bored by me today. I appear on paper to be neurotic - wonder how I appear in person?

Decision 1. I was asked and accepted the position of Steering Committee Chairperson for Cradle of Love Adoptions. COL was our local homestudy agency when we adopted Ben. Judy, our social worker, also worked with me as a family therapist after Ben came home. I have been a committee member for two years (maybe three years) and I really enjoy it. So this was a good and easy choice.

Decision 2. I have been approached with a part-time job opportunity. Having been out of corporate life for four years I feel pretty rusty, but the job would work with Ben's school hours and be a new challenge. I have not received the offer yet but I am thinking that I will accept if they offer it to me.

Decision 3. It's all L's fault. I really want to do a birth family search for Ben's birthparents. I am undecided on whether or not I want any contact with them. As I dug through the adoption information we have currently, his birthfamily info is a few handwritten lines on one piece of note paper. I have no details. No town where they live - just a family name.

Also, the baby house where Ben lived for a year has been closed down due to fire code violations and the proposed cost of bringing it up to date. So the link between my agency and the baby house and the birthparents (via the Russian SWer) is gone.

What if the bmom has had another child and placed him for adoption? What if he's in a baby house right now? If we knew, we would adopt a sibling tomorrow. I know that sounds crazy considering we've pretty much taken another adoption off the table. But it's how we feel.

What if a birthsibling has already been adopted by a family here, or in the UK, or Spain, or Germany? I would love to have the opportunity for Ben to meet and know any sibling.

I also know Ben well enough to know that he will ask about birthfamily. I don't want much more time to pass before I have facts in front of me. No, he does not need to know it all now. But I want to know. I want to know for Ben because he's insatiably curious about everything else in his life and somehow I don't think this will escape his radar for much longer. When he asks, I want to have the truth to tell him. If he wants to search/try to contact/have contact with his bfamily when he's older I want him to be able to start with more than four lines on a piece of paper with 15 year old information.

And now a completely unrelated question for you. I am in need of great recommendations for basic child-rearing books (not adoption or special needs related). I have Love and Logic though I did not finish it. Any other books you find to be especially helpful for Ben's age group?

Pictures

Just a quick post today. Pictures finally from last Fall. T-ball, Disney trip and visit to the pumpkin patch.

Two steps forward...

Lately, this has been my mantra. And it's me, this time, not Ben. I actually realized yesterday that Ben has "grown out" of several messy and annoying past times - like peeing on the walls and floor of the bathroom rather than into the toilet. It's been months since I have had the "don't make me buy pull ups for you" discussion. Funny what happens along the way while you're busy living. He's growing up so fast.

Anyway, I digress.

So, I have several decisions ahead of me. One I have already made - it's a two year deal and I am excited and yet nervous about it. I guess butterflies in the stomach are good. It's when you get woodpeckers in there that you worry.

Ahead of me lie decision dominoes in a row. Each decision leads me to the next. It's these times that I wish for a crystal ball - how will this all look in 6 months, 12 months, etc.? And, no, I can't discuss any of them yet. Sorry. I am not trying to tease. I am not considering adopting again, so everyone can relax on that one.

Only one decision lies before me that is truly irreversible in it's impact. So here I need to draw a deep breath, put on my big girl undies and be prepared for the fallout. I am scared, but compelled. My most important first step will be broaching this with Kurt. I wonder if he still checks my blog - I don't think so....

I have to have my reasons, pros, cons the whole deal in place in my head before I make this a family issue. Right now it's a lot of deep breathing and clear thinking.

Faith is a huge part of my life and my psyche. I know that things work out the way they are supposed to but the first step is so daunting. And I am so chicken.

A Small Rant

Okay. I made a rather significant decision today. I have removed my blog address from my FB profile. If someone misses it, they can call me or e-mail me and I'll pass along the address. It has really bothered me that a couple of IRL friends commented that "all I blog about is adoption stuff". So, now, if they want to read my "adoption stuff", they can ask for the website.

I need to blog about "adoption stuff" because child-rearing makes my head spin. So I have to ponder it, review it, re-review it from every possible angle and then think some more. Blogging seems to help.

I am also looking for a bit more freedom in my writing. While I don't care who knows some of the details of my life - I am not going to volunteer to be flamed by having the details available via FB. Parts of my life are apparently controversial - GASP. Get over it. I don't recall asking any one's opinion.

Oh - did you know I was in a snarky mood today?

I hate having to defend and explain, ad nauseum, my decision in child-rearing. Yes, I screw it up (royally, too) but I try really hard to learn lessons. Fingernails on a chalkboard would be preferable to hearing one more opinion, from the well-meaning few, about what I am not doing correct, what Ben's doing "wrong" (yeah, don't get me started here) and what K and I "should be" doing. Okay, you try is what I want to say. Let's see how you do...

There are times that I am envious of other Moms who's kids don't take their frustrations out on them. As L, my wise friend points out, our kids want us to share their emotions. Wow - very powerful. I learn so much from my cyber-friends. I am so lucky and blessed to have open, non-judgmental ladies in my life.

Most of the followers of my blog are rowing in the same boat with me. But we are here together. I think a sunny beach sounds like a great destination...