In the starting gates

I know. STILL getting started. Have not started the homestudy yet. Haven't sent in the contract yet. Of course, we have done other, non-paperwork, tangential adoption things. We cleaned out three closets - one in Ben's room, one in the guest room and the hall closet in between. Next we are moving Ben to the guest room because it's larger.

We have picked out new bedroom furniture and paint for Ben's room. Luckily, dear hubby loves home improvement projects. And he hates letting me paint. For crying out loud - it's a roller! I have painted many walls in my life. But, according to sweet K, I paint all wrong. So, it's his project for the weekend.

We also decided to trade in my car and get a new (to me) car. It's bigger than my old car and can easily hold two Britax car seats. It's not a minivan, but I do fit right in in my community. Welcome to SUV Land. Please no flaming my carbon footprint.

Today I found out that the Adoption Coordinator (S) and Regional Coordinator (L) that helped us with our paperwork for Ben are still with our adoption agency and we can work with them again. Yay! S and L were great hand-holders and cheerleaders.

Oh, Mom is moving into town on Thursday. She'll be about 5 minutes away. I doubt I would be as excited about adopting Little Sister if my Mom was not around. Her help will be indispensable.

So, as we say down here, we are fixin' to get ready.

The First Bump

Ben has been sick this week. High fever but no other symptoms. Viral. So we have been stuck together while we wait for the fever to break. I feel awful when he feels bad. I feel worse when he starts to feel better. He gets bored, testy, cabin fever sets in, and we wait for the all clear to get back to school. Right now it looks like tomorrow is back-to-school day.

He'll go one day this week and then be off for the President's Day long weekend. Whee.

I heard from two IRL friends this week about the current state of Russian adoptions. After as much reading as I could do while Ben pestered me, the best I could glean is that the bi-lateral agreement hammered out last summer (and signed by both countries' reps) needs to be ratified by the Russian Parliament after the presidential elections there in March. Until then, adoptions are slowing. They may even be coming to a halt in some regions.

Ah, the first bump in the road. When we were in the process for Ben there were several bumps along the way. Politics, election year campaigns, public policy, and social issues all influence the state of inter-country adoptions.

There's also the very real issue of wanting to ensure that the children adopted by US families are loved, nurtured and understood. There have been 17 cases of children adopted from Russia that have been abused/killed by their US adoptive parents. In the larger statistics this does not seem overly large for 20 years of adoptions. However, any case of child abuse is horrific. The Mom from the Dr. Phil show who appeared so she could complain about her child ended up facing charges for using Tabasco sauce as a punishment for her son who'd been adopted from Russia. Makes me want even stricter post placement requirements.

Parenting a post-institutional child is not easy. But parenting an in-utero child is not easy either. They just have some different issues.

Ok, where was I going with this post? We've hit a bump. We are going forward as planned because we are kinda pokey with paperwork and have not paid any big fees yet. By spring the agreement is expected to be ratified. We will keep plugging away and hoping for an early spring.

The Connected Child Book Report

I feel like I am 6th grade again. But I really do want to share this book with you.

The Connected Child, by Dr. Karyn Purvis.

It's on Amazon, by the way.

I would love to say that I found this book while passing the aisles of the parenting section of A&B book stores (on my way to Womens World Fiction, of course). I would love to say that I find the title endearing, though not applicable to my circumstances. I would love to be self-righteous in my self-deprecation and only a little smug.

However, this book was recommended to me by my Mom. Ouch. Her best friend knows The Monroes. The Monroes are an adoptive couple who conduct parenting seminars with Dr. Purvis based on this book. They also host a website called Empowered to Connect. Mom and Pat (her BF) were discussing the latest "life with Ben" episodes and Pat suggested that I look the book over.

First, Dr. Purvis works at TCU in the Institute of Child Development. She works with children "from hard places." This includes but is not limited to IA, foster-adopt, foster, older child and special needs adoptions.

I read the Table of Contents and thought that Dr. P had been living in my house. Where PC (Dr. Patty Cogan) had enlightened us with the personality of our recent adoptee and the importance of understanding how the now is determined by the past, Dr. P gives word for word advice on how to deal with the storms, defiance, insecure attachments, and other leftover residues of the life these children had before us.

I readily admit that I will need to review this book at least monthly for a while. The parenting advice is counter-intuitive to the parenting I received, my DH received, my Mom received - hell, everyone I know was raised like I was. A yell was ok, a spank was fine when necessary and there were some tough rules.

So here I am with a strong-willed, hypervigilant, insecurely attached child whose actions tell me he is still depending on himself and not us for his care. When your child's first phrase is "I DO IT!" you should listen up.

I feel like I am negotiating Mid-East peace at times. Other times I throw up my emotional hands and decide that the battle is not worth fighting. And, even in this I am not consistent.

So Dr. P has chapters about solving the puzzle of difficult behavior, disarming the fear response with "felt safety", teaching life values, you are the boss, dealing with defiance, and nurturing. Oh yeah, here's a book for me.

I read this the first time before Thanksgiving and it really did help the traumaversaries. I feel myself backsliding into old habits (like screeching) and need to reread the chapters again.

There are even proactive strategies to make life easier. WHAT???? A whole chapter. Yep.

So I am endorsing this book as a companion piece to the science-based Parenting Your IA Child by Dr. P. Cogan. They work well together. And, frankly, if we're jumping through these hoops again with LS (little sister) then I am sure I will need to be on top of my game.