As a prelude to this post, I will say that Ben and I made brownies yesterday after school. He'd been asking for them so I picked up a box mix and we had a good time making them. Of course, once they were done, he wanted more than one. A small fit ensued and then blew over.
Kurt got home from work last night and updated me on some long-time acquaintances of ours. Last we spoke to them, they were expecting their first child after many years of fertility struggles. Kurt told me after dinner that our friends lost their baby.
Ben, who was in the next room, came in and asked who lost their baby and how. Of course, our euphemism was confusing to him. Kurt gently explained about the baby not living and going to be with God. Nothing more was said by Ben.
This morning, Ben pitched two HUGE fits over me not allowing him to have brownies for breakfast. I just did not get it - usually he eats his Cheerios or toast and is quite happy. I told him that we would have a brownie for snack after school. Ben got louder and started crying and hitting me. I was already tired and grumpy, so you can see how this became "not one of my best moments". Finally, I am trying to get him into his coat so we can go to school, he's still crying a little and looks up at me and quietly says "I don't want to be lost".
My heart just dropped. I sank to my knees in front of him and, through my own tears, promised him he would never be lost. I would always keep him and stay with him. Then he said "I don't want you to be lost either. I would be too sad.". Knife #2 plunges in and sticks deep. I told him that I wanted to live to be very, very old and would do everything in my power to make that happen. Oh boy.
On the way to school I asked him about being mad today. He said he is mad and afraid of me being lost.
Two things on my to-do list today. One - work out so I can stay healthy for my child. Two - read Orchid Children article from start to finish.
5 comments:
P.S. I read the whole article and I worked out. When I told Kurt about the interaction with Ben, we both cried. This is our issue - security. He's attached, just doesn't trust it yet.
Oh man, that post got me all teary. Poor little guy. Poor little guy.
Leigh
Yes, I know that one. Our girls are the same way. When I had a day with Rachel at the summit we all went to last month, 8 yr old got upset and asked what would happen to her if something were to happen to us. It was sad, and I reassured her. It's hard to make them understand that you will be there for them.
It sounds like you reassured him well and he felt comfortable telling you how he felt.
Molly
Oh Ann. I am in tears with you and Kurt. It is so scary for kids to think about losing their parents. And then when there are additional trust or attachment issues. Ugh. Sending you gentle hugs.
Lynn
I was crying along with Ben there too. Oh, that must've hurt your heart soo much.
I am currently a "LOST" (TV show) addict now. We have it streaming from netflix. We're on the 3rd season now. Somehow, I thought you might be another addict too.
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