I sometimes wonder about the nature of things. Oooooo...that sounds really deep, doesn't it? I don't really mean it that way.
For the past few Christmases, we've had some drama or trauma. Five years ago, my Dad had his stem cell transplant a few days before Christmas. My Mom was here with us for the actual holiday because she'd caught some horrible sinus germ (there on the quarantine floor, go figure) and could not be around Dad. He had no immune system by that point. I remember being short-tempered, exhausted and pretty indifferent to Christmas. Sadly, this was Ben's first Christmas home with us.
We've had the occasional relative pull some sort of stunt that causes drama. Usually, it's an out-of-state sibling who refuses to answer their phone because they have their feelings hurt over a (usually imagined) slight. That makes for a joyful Christmas. I usually have to leave the room and roll my eyes a few hundred times in the privacy of my bedroom.
This year I was hoping for mainly low drama. My ex brother in law remarried on 12/12/12, supposedly on a whim, but that's not putting us in the red zone on the drama-meter. I mean my Mom is all concerned about my sister but I kinda wonder about that. Sister seems to be okay about it.
I have been in the Advent spirit here. Advent means expectant. Seems fitting with our life right now. I was feeling smug about Christmas. Small group here - just both Moms, my sister and the three of us. Completely manageable. My gifts that needed shipping have already arrived at their destinations. I have one gift card left to get and then I just need to wrap some gifts.
But, then, with a stroke of a pen, our expectations are dashed and we are left shaking and fearful of what is to come. We have rallied and railed, written to those in power, and prayed to the one with all power.
How much faith did it take Mary to overcome the fear of what was to come? Did she wonder about her ability to see it through? I wonder about mine. I refuse to believe that God's will is fickle. I also refuse to believe that "bad things" happen because God wills it. That would be just too mean. I am trying so hard to insulate my heart and protect it in case the worst happens. I doubt I have been very successful in this endeavor.
I have spent exactly one year on this path to our future. Are we supposed to stop? Turn aside? Stay straight ahead? I am distracted and wondering constantly if there was some sign or omen that I missed.
So I walk into this Christmas wondering what next Christmas will look like. I cannot be smug, only searching. The drama hurts my heart. I silently cry out for a Christmas gift that cannot be purchased, only wished and prayed for. Peace on Earth, Goodwill to all people.
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Awww sweetheart. You remind me of the year I was doing IVF and I placed a note in the box of Christmas ornaments to find the next year saying "So? Did it work?" and of course, it hadn't. But really that was because my path and my future lay somewhere else, I just didn't know it at the time.
That's the hard part about life. It only makes sense in hindsight. There IS a reason for this. Trust. Have faith. Even if what you think your future is doesn't get realized it is because that was not really your future. Trust that it will all work out as it should.
Easy for me to say, difficult to believe, I know because I have been there. But from the outside it is easier to see it. All will happen as it should, we just don't know it.
I wish you a peaceful Christmas and a VERY exciting new year.
xoxoxoxoxox
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